Review: Heroes of Might and Magic VI

For $10 on Steam, I decided to pick up number 6 in the series.  Steam is a Valve product and they have always treated us gamers with fairness.  Yet this game is a UBIsoft product and they have their own DRM.  So, though comfortable within the walls of our Steam, we are ejected into the unfamiliar territory of UPlay.  On installing and setting up an account, one "Needs" a brand new DRM to play this game.  'Well it had better be worth it', you say grudgingly as it takes you through the hoops to get validated. 

For everything you knew about Heroes 5...get ready for a brand new (and much less intuitive) set of rules.  They needlessly changed EVERYTHING and made it MUCH WORSE than EVER BEFORE!  Do you want to look like a knight and be called a wizard?  Learn spells and not know until much later how terribly you have POOCHED your character?  You get NO tutorial for ANYTHING.  They dropped you off like a babe in the woods with some of the worst voice acting you have ever heard blathering on about some pointless shit.   It looks to me like the design team had A TON OF IDEAS...and not too many of them any good!  They swept all these ideas up and shoved them into the HEROES 6 receptacle of product...along with a few apple cores and banana peels.  When it came time to actually sort and select...some community college project manager said "Oh hell...it's all good enough".   This is ALWAYS what happens when a big company absorbs an excellent product.  Microsoft did it with the MechWarrior series. 

New World Computing was the founding company for this franchise.  They were absorbed by 3DO and eventually the series was passed to UBIsoft.  I hadn't realized Ubisoft was so large.  All I remember them doing were those Tom Clancy type games where you either shot first or had to reload.  I figure if you are going to want to shoot a firearm and have realistic results...and the results coming back at you were to be realistic as well...a reload is better than a funeral. 

Heroes of Might and Magic 6 is an insult to the series and a testament to how badly a big company can pooch a product.  Give it a miss.  3/10

Retro Review - System Shock 2

About a month ago, Yahtzee reviewed an old game that was both poor in sales, yet so large in concept that it actually inspired certain games we call 'Classics'.  This 'Muddy Waters' (a group that inspired the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin) of gaming is called 'System Shock 2'.  It was created by the now defunct 'Looking Glass Studios';  whose former employees sign 451 inside every game they make (either a code to enter into an in-game terminal or graffiti etc.).   This code has appeared in many major games:  Deus Ex, DEHR, Bioshock, Bioshock Infinite to name a few.  It is their way of signing their work.  Very cool! 

Though I know and like much from the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin...I find Muddy waters to be not really my thing.  This inspiring game may be full on concepts but low on execution.  So for $10 on Steam, I thought, 'What the Hell'.  I have the entire 'Shock' series...might as well get this one as well.

There are 3 things I look for in a game.  A graduated system (where you start out weak and get stronger), Several viable choices of graduated play (a progression along different routes of strength), and last; keeping the balance so that there isn't too much or too little action  (From 'Call of Duty' to 'Fallout New Vegas' respectively).

'System Shock 2' Represents the first of the horror/SciFi genre.  They did it WELL!   It is unfortunate how, looking at the original, you can see how modern games...even it's successors... have fallen short.  This game IS for gamers.   Late 90's ...and there are a ton of keys to know.   There are no quest markers to lead you around.  You have to listen to the recordings and email...and look at your notes and stumble around until you figure out what to do.  I do actually like quest markers and hot keys for my quest log.  I enjoy it when the game tells me what it wants me to do.  I'm lazy that way.  Despite having 4 difficulty settings, SS2 does what most OTHER games FAIL to do:  Make difficult settings without nerfing my f****** weapons!  For THAT ALONE it gets massive praise from me.   If you can make it to 'Impossible' ... you will never go back... it is that much fun.  That one element lacking in all the subsequent 'Shock' (Bioshock) Series.  Emptying an entire mag into someone's head only to watch them ignore 29 of those bullets and then the 30th one makes their head explode - ridiculous.  

SS2 was the thinking gamers game.   Non-gamers, the young and the Attention deficit crowd could go play something else if they lost patience.  'There were enough gamers to pull a profit from'.  Well not so much.  1999 was at a time when games HAD to be noob friendly.  They were starting to get big and costly and they had to maximize appeal to as many people as possible.  Software pirates were costing the game industry for the PC big money with ripped Torrents making the cross-platform and console only games that much more appealing.   Maximum general appeal meant minimum specific appeal (ie Games for Gamers).   ... and SS2 was succeeded by Bioshock...which did its best to accommodate options with in-game visual interfaces plasmids and tonics...but didn't quite hit the mark.  In that game you used a 'Research Camera' to get better at taking out certain opponents but those opponents got even MORE tough than your research camera could accommodate for; without even a fucking pallet swap.  Bioshock 2 did slightly better but tried to make too many people happy and the result was a game design by committee.   You could just hear the input for the conversation as follows:

Ken Levine (creator) says "So I'm making a Bioshock 2 and would like some fan input."

First fuckface:  "HOW ABOUT 'BIG DADDIES' THOSE THINGS ARE KEWL...MAYBEEE THE GUY COULD BE ONE."

Second (Sarcastic) fuckface:  SURE...Yeah and maybe we could have more escort missions and carry the little sister to 3 different bodies...defending her EACH FUCKING TIME!

Ken Levine: "Okay...you like defending the little sister...okay...I've got that noted"

First fuckface: "YEAH! AND MAYBE INSTEAD OF JUST 'BIG DADDIES' WE COULD HAVE SAY...BIG MOMMIES...WHICH COULD BE AS TUFF AS BIG DADDIES TWO!!!  BUT FAST AND AND AND"

Second (Sarcastic) fuckface:  "Yeah...and they would jump the character right after defending the little sister 3 times 'TWO'!

Ken Levine:  "Well you guys are the audience...you know what is best"

No Ken...those are the fuck faces who like to hear themselves talk.  They do not...and will not represent gamers as a whole.

Back to System Shock 2:

The first thing you need to do when playing SS2 is to reallocate your keys.  The mouse/key configuration was a relatively new concept and no one needed a key for turning left with mouse aiming on full time.  The second thing you need to do is turn down the (F******) techno music.  For one thing it distracts you from the intensity, secondly,  with excessive respawning, hearing sounds and direction is a VERY important aspect of the game.  That being said...you are almost NEVER safe.  Play it on 'Impossible'...the wrench wielding Hybrids can take you down with one swing if you have no additional Endurance...and IT IS A BLAST!   Third: The Engineering deck next to the elevator is the safest place to be...and a good place to stash all your stuff (once cleared).  Fourth:  Your notes, logs, quest objectives, email, tax records, underwear size...all your game is ever going to tell you is located on the various tabs past the CD icon of your HUD.  Lastly:  Opening your HUD does NOT make you safe...it makes you vulnerable...so do it only when you think you are safe.  (This in complete contrast to Bioshock where all interactions with inventory and hacking will cause in-game time to literally stand still). 

Though there is much searching in the game, there is suspense...an enemy could spawn from right behind you.  You absolutely need Cyber-modules to learn new things.  Scratching yourself up from the dirt as far as how much you actually know to begin with.  The game does not take pity on you... but if you make it through that first rough patch, you feel that you seriously accomplished something and become invested in playing the character.  That is the game I like to play.

Okay...so I've touched upon the good parts of the game.  What are the bad parts?  Well there is one bad aspect to the game that actually turned out to be a good part for me in a certain circumstance.  You see the graphics are pretty terrible even for a 1999 game.  The protagonist looks like he belongs on a cut scene from a TI994a (old, bad computer) game.  So how can this be a good thing?  Well I was away from my computer and had to use a laptop without any sort of graphics accelerator.  SS2 worked like a charm...even though the Laptop had a newer OS.  You can't do that with Deus Ex: It would crash so hard, you would have to phone up your insurance company.

The long and the short of it is:  System Shock 2 is a Damn good game.  Though it is not for the short of attention and the impatient.  This is a Gamer's Game.  Shut the windows...get some seclusion so you are able to focus your attention without distractions...and have at 'er. 

Worst Reality Show Award: "All Star Celebrity Apprentice"

Originally starting 10 years ago there was a show entitled "The Apprentice".   It was full of regular Joes and Janes making their way in the world of reality TV with a White collar bend.  These people fought hard to achieve their wins.  A big money (to them) job was up for grabs to the winner.  Like many reality shows, it was chocked full of bean counters who were there to create drama and conflict.  About that time, was a show called "The Surreal life" which had a bunch of washed out train wreck actors living in a house....and we all watched the clashing of egos and narcissism.  

Then in 2008, lightning struck Donald Trumps Hair piece and he came out with "Celebrity Apprentice".  This was the meeting of two unlikely reality ideas.   Of course there is no way Donald would have thought of it on his own.  This is the kind of bullshit that is pitched by the ice cream pizza salesman ("ANYTHING is better when combined with something else that is GOOD!").  This IS, however, something someone like Donald Trump would have bought with two fistfuls of blank checks...because when it comes to artistic vision, he's a hell of an accountant!

That is not to say that Celebrity Apprentice is not a success...it IS to say, however, that it is WAY over budget than regular Apprentice on top of being both Gaudy and exploitive.  Given enough nurturing, regular Apprentice could have been on-par with Survivor.

Regular Apprentice is full of those who are hungry for the win.  This brings out all the best and the worst of them.  Sociologically and Psychologically intriguing.  Celebrity apprentice is full of neurotics and, in some cases, full on brain damaged individuals (No names, but his initials are Gary Busey) that the game exploits for its own 'Amusement'.  It is unethical and irresponsible. 

During the end of Survivor, after the vote, there was little delay in announcing the winner.  THEN came the review show that had some nice tidbits for people to examine more closely.  It was interesting.  The review show THEY MADE PART OF Celebrity Apprentice.  They didn't announce the winner until the very end of a stupidly padded out 3 hour finale.  It was SO insulting that I really didn't care who they said had won 20 minutes prior to the end...and I switched it off.  It was irrelevant to me.  "Trace" apparently...who the fuck cares?  These guys have more money than God.  Why should I care if the get a relative pittance to their selected charity???  It's as ridiculous as Donald Trump's hair.   I don't get it.  Trace flew under the radar for most of the season.  He had two modes: 'shut up' and 'get pissy' for most of it. 

The show lost most of its credibility when Stephen Baldwin was fired instead of  Gary Busey.  Both Gary and Stephen were as sharp as a tack...but Gary was more on the flat round side.  I understand the need for loose cannons to keep everyone hopping, but Donald doesn't even TRY to hide the fact of this exploitation. 

Jubilee showgirls: $117 per ticket
Blue Man Group $125 per ticket
Penn and Teller $116.50 per ticket

No one is hurting for money.  The problem is the show is hurting for imagination.  People watch the finale because they want more of what they have come to expect from the show from the beginning.  Not some bullshit padded out 3 hour piss poor variety telethon...holding the "Winner" as hostage until the very last minutes.  Donald has a Hotel in Vegas...What is it called? 

- "The Poseidon"?  Do an underwater theme with servers in attractive aqua colors and wonderful large aquariums...maybe the worlds largest waterslide through the middle of one?

no

- "The Space Station"?  Golden age Sci fi themed Casino.  Glass elevators with a revolving restaurant at the top.  A roller coaster that rides down the inside of a IMAX style semi Transparent wall.  Golden age retro sci fi server girls.

no

-"Trump"  A well built, luxurious but Non Descript Hotel.  10 minute walk off the strip.
 
Yes

Oh yeah.  The (enter your last name here) style.  Famous...right up there with Regent and Art Deco.
An obvious choice for egotistical overrated accountants everywhere.  I mean I've heard about compensating  but seriously???

...And that says it right there.   Donald Trump is the kind of mogul that would give a gift of a wallet with your first name written on the outside in solid gold letters...and not understand why it is stupid.  Celebrity apprentice is exactly what happens when you throw more money than imagination and passion at a product.  The 3 hour Variety Club Telethon tonight sealed their fate as far as I'm concerned. 

James Holmes ... Insanity Plea?

 

You might recognize him from the 'Century Movie Theatre' killings in Aurora Colorado.  I was going to say that this guy is of genius level intelligence.  His Wikipedia page confirms this.  But 12 people going out to catch a midnight premier of Batman got shot to death for it.  Mr. Holmes dyes his hair orange and calls himself the 'Joker'.  Is he insane?  Well...yes and no.  Should he be considered 'Not Guilty' by reasons of insanity?  Well...lets look at the evidence; 

 

The condition for which he claims to be a victim of has frequent moments of clarity.  Knowing that you would have such disturbing thoughts in the moments of darkness, and knowing that this whole trend would put many people in danger, would you engage in such an elaborate array of tasks?  Fuck no.  His own accomplishments betray his ability to function (and very well) in achieveing what he sets his mind to (with discipline).  He bought guns from two different stores in two different cities.  Owners aren't that keen to sell firearms to people experiencing personal distress.  He could have hid it.  Not really something you can hide if you are overwhelmed by the feeling.  People truly suffering from mental illness are barely able to function...never mind high marks toward a PH-D.  There is a condition that allows you to detatch from your inner feelings...but also, most noticably, the feelings of anyone around you - it is the condition that all mass murderers have suffered from: Psychopathy. 

 

James Holmes

Somewhere this guy detached from reality, got all jokered up and killed a lot of people.  This guy removed basic human empathy from his mind...as is the trend these days and it scares the crap out of me.  This kind of crap deserves more than just the death penality to wake people - the fuck - up.   This isn't a game.  This isn't a movie.  You're not role playing with live ammunition.  I know it's not a popular thing to say... and I really don't give a fuck ... give this guy pain...and lots of it.  Dissuade the next douchebag from trying something this heinous.  

"Not guilty by reasons of insanity"

Yeah? 

Ever notice that those with papers seem to think that everyone else just deserve a paper cone on their head in the corner?

Elsa Patton - Yes...I'm going to be mean

So I sit down to some "Real Housewives of Miami".  Well why not?  I haven't seen the show before and was intrigued how people with so much money can have such pissy attitudes.  Then I came across this:

I thought "Oh...how sad...but I'm sure her ordeal has made her a better person"  Next thing she rolls her eyes at the 'Company' and asks insistently where the drinks are.  She sits down with someone and then someone else comes over and attempts to make pleasant conversation with her.  Well Elsa berates her and calls her a few choice names in Spanish....  My God!  She's the Cuban Jabba the Hut!!!

Back in the dark ages of Plastic surgery, there was a radical procedure that involved injecting silicone right under the skin.  Without knowing the risks, Elsa became one of the first casualities of her own desperate vanity and lack of sense.  Despite the humbling ordeal, she continues to despise everyone around her for being 'Estupida!'.  Yeah...and you're a real bright one, aren't you!?  Because she was a trophy wife (when she had the looks to pull it off) She got a bunch of money in the divorce.  Yeah... she earned that money with as much effort as she 'Earned' all those DUIs. 

There are people that I dislike and those that I hate...but it is those who disgust me to the point where I won't even watch them on TV...The rest of the show might be great...I don't know...and I don't care.  File this one under 'Honey Boo Boo' as one of the things I absolutely refuse to endorse.

Bioshock Infinite Ending **Spoilers **Spoilers **Spoilers and it may contain **Spoilers Explained

I agree with Yahtzee.  Quantum and dimensional stories are tricky.  Unless written well, you run the risk of creating circular logic…with no beginning and end.  As Yahtzee put it “You run the risk of disappearing up your own ass”.  

 

 

Ok…there are many different dimensions but both Booker and Comstock are the same person.  (Did I mention SPOILERS?) 

This could make your head hurt so just bear with me.   I refer to them independently because Comstock comes from a reality where he is a sterile racist prick (and 20 years older than Booker).  Since Comstock can't have a child, he goes into another reality and makes a deal for Anna Dewitt (AD), Booker's baby girl, through a third party (those wacky scientists) to wipe out Booker's debt.   20 years later, Booker is in debt again.  He's told to "Find the girl" to wipe out his debt and is taken to a lighthouse where there is an elevator that goes Waaaaaaay up!  Finding himself in the cloud city of Columbia.

 

Comstock is also spiritual and de facto ruler of Columbia (somehow).   Despite him being the kind of cartoon villain that all other cartoon villains would point at and go "Phhhhht...what's with that guy?".  At the end,  there is an intersection in time where all versions of Booker will either become a drunk who would sell his daughter for a buck or a racist maniacal spiritual leader.  If he becomes a leader, a lot of people will die (despite him knowing this and to preach equality instead of racial hatred)  So his last act as a hero...before becoming a total douche...is to allow himself to be drowned.  Since this incident happened physically before Anna was born, She ceases to exist...across all realities.  As endings go, it was pretty lame. 
 
It was like:
     "I'm going to kill Comstock when he was younger - he sucks"
     "You ARE Comstock when he was younger"
     "Then I'm going to kill myself"
Blubblublublbub

Seriously?  You know the game was awesome!  It had variation....it had vigors (plasmids) which you could selectively upgrade and combination for vigors (like a combination attack)... you could upgrade your favorite firearm (but never all).   You could swing along the rail system like a high speed roller coaster and perform arial attacks on ground targets.  You have a shield that recharges but your health doesn't that easily.  There are upgrades to your health, shields and Salt (vigor) levels.  The story compells you forward.  Music...there was a ragtime version of 'Tainted Love' (must hear)...a barbershop quartet version of "God only knows" by the Beachboys ... many others as well.   Visually spectacular set in 1912...the look and feel is just amazing.

Despite all the high flying action of this game, the ending was an "I might suck so kill me now" and it doesn't work with the flow.   Sort of like being at the fair and you have won at all the carny games... went on a bunch of the rides...your girl is looking pretty against the neon lights as you indulge on cotton candy and caramel apples...and just when you are thinking you are having the best day of your life, you wake up finding half a cockroach in your mouth.

Here is my problem with the ending:

 Assuming Booker in the water is connected to all Bookers who would sacrifice themselves for the greater good.   You are actually ensuring more that Comstock will come to be (as a jerk that is).   Assuming endless possibilities, there could be a Booker scratching his balls and watching baseball in Chicago that would not be part of this water party.  Following that to its logical conclusion, where ever there was even a slight difference, there would be NO intersection  (How could there be?).   The Booker that would be Comstock would have declined sacrificing himself.   In fact each second isn't the exact duplicate of every other second.  Alternate realities would be as different as snowflakes.  He isn't beside himself as a younger man.  He didn't show up 20 years in his future INSIDE Comstock!   The writer did cleverly use the term 'Reality' as opposed to 'Dimension'.  It was also mentioned that Elizabeth/Anna could 'Modify' reality to the point where she could create stuff out of thin air that never was - under the natural order of things. 

 
The writer used Quantum and dimensional devices to create the feel of a good story .   It looks good and it creates an interesting feel...but the tools are obviously not used to their potential.  Much like a child that makes a mud pie and then puts chocolate icing on it; It looks like a chocolate cake...and if you taste the surface...it tastes like a chocolate cake...but if you take a bite, you've got a mouthful of dirt. 
 
  This is what happens when you have linear thinkers trying to make a non-linear story;  The sky looks distinctively like a sky texture would from the inside of a box.  The game was great!  The ending was so far up it's own ass that it simply vanished from this reality.
 
So here's my ending:  Booker grows up to be Comstock and preaches equality and insists on fair working conditions and wages.  No Vox.  No trouble.   Knowing the kind of trouble his bad decisions would have caused, he wises up...like people do. 

Hell's Kitchen - Season 11 Episode 6 (Summary in Limerick)

This is a recap of this episode in Limerick.   It's probably not very good...but I enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoy reading it as well.

Season 11 Episode 6…

and Ramsay needs to make a fix.  

With blue team a-winning

and Red team tail spinning

Jackie and Mary are offered as picks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Though blue team had worked hard and won the night

Ramsay said "It's my show so I have the right"

"Someone is over his head"

"Jeremy GO!"

 

 …and he fled.

"The rest of you - fuck off - I'll see you tonight!"

 

 

During the prep work and shelving the stocks up

Mary was sick and thought she was knocked up

The test, it said 'no'...

She got back to the show

With several minutes wasted screwing the mock pup

 

 

On the men's team, Danny is clueless

As a "Cook" he needs a 'To Do' list

Given a simple task,

He says "I have to ask"

"...For instructions to do my own best"

 

While walking through the men's area that night

Mary was admired for her hard will to fight

She thought they were dissing

And her manners went pissing

...and that respect fell off the table stage right

 

The laughter through the wall wasn't funny

The drama queen they thought was a honey

was listening through the wall

saying "I'm over them all"

...from a friend to end; what a cunny

 

Then Nedra steps up to help Mary

She burst through the doors looking scary

She opens her mouth

And shit comes flying out

...and she makes all the men look like fairies

 

Before service the waiters were whining

Meals had been prepared in poor timing

Jean-Phillipe had the floor

He wanted a lot more

To appreciate the bone he's been biting

 

 

Jessica and barrett were taking orders

Since Ramsay had expanded their job borders

Their cooking was all right

Though writing was not tight

...and their tickets were on-par with grade 4ers

 

Dan and Ray were at the fish station

The oddest pairing in the nation

Ray took over the spot

Dan stood around getting hot

Driving all else to excess libation

 

Ray had just finished cooking the fish

He brought 3 up to the pass in a dish

He said "Here's your bass"

Ramsay said "You stupid ass"

"I wanted Halibut.  Right now!  Thickish!"

 

 

 

On red team Nedra screws up the pork

Serves "...Raw in the middle..." like a dork

...and after Chef Ramsy realizes

To the customer she apologizes

Once more; you can "Stick her with a fork"

 

Though Ray had finally finished his task

"Raw" was not for what the chef asked

With a rage and a shout,

He said "Get the fuck out!"

Where in glory they will not bask

 

Ramsay came back to the women's team

"You are all walking on a high beam"

"If you make one more mistake..."

"From this kitchen -I will take

You to the dorms to fight for redeem

 

Mary slumped to the pass with raw meat

Moving like she had lead weights on her seat

Though 2 in the crew

The team they did screw

Chef sent them upstairs with an "It" to "Beat"

 

In both the dorms things were getting rather heated

red and blue teams lost tonight to themselves; defeated

Ray couldn't bring the right fish to the pass

Maybe in the '70s he smoked too much grass

And the gas valves on the women's ovens weren't seated

 

Up for elimination that night

Nedra, Mary, dan and Ray - in sight

This is going to be good!

"Tune in next week on Food!"

 

"To be continued"  Ahhhhh....That ain't right!