Elsa Patton - Yes...I'm going to be mean

So I sit down to some "Real Housewives of Miami".  Well why not?  I haven't seen the show before and was intrigued how people with so much money can have such pissy attitudes.  Then I came across this:

I thought "Oh...how sad...but I'm sure her ordeal has made her a better person"  Next thing she rolls her eyes at the 'Company' and asks insistently where the drinks are.  She sits down with someone and then someone else comes over and attempts to make pleasant conversation with her.  Well Elsa berates her and calls her a few choice names in Spanish....  My God!  She's the Cuban Jabba the Hut!!!

Back in the dark ages of Plastic surgery, there was a radical procedure that involved injecting silicone right under the skin.  Without knowing the risks, Elsa became one of the first casualities of her own desperate vanity and lack of sense.  Despite the humbling ordeal, she continues to despise everyone around her for being 'Estupida!'.  Yeah...and you're a real bright one, aren't you!?  Because she was a trophy wife (when she had the looks to pull it off) She got a bunch of money in the divorce.  Yeah... she earned that money with as much effort as she 'Earned' all those DUIs. 

There are people that I dislike and those that I hate...but it is those who disgust me to the point where I won't even watch them on TV...The rest of the show might be great...I don't know...and I don't care.  File this one under 'Honey Boo Boo' as one of the things I absolutely refuse to endorse.

Bioshock Infinite Ending **Spoilers **Spoilers **Spoilers and it may contain **Spoilers Explained

I agree with Yahtzee.  Quantum and dimensional stories are tricky.  Unless written well, you run the risk of creating circular logic…with no beginning and end.  As Yahtzee put it “You run the risk of disappearing up your own ass”.  

 

 

Ok…there are many different dimensions but both Booker and Comstock are the same person.  (Did I mention SPOILERS?) 

This could make your head hurt so just bear with me.   I refer to them independently because Comstock comes from a reality where he is a sterile racist prick (and 20 years older than Booker).  Since Comstock can't have a child, he goes into another reality and makes a deal for Anna Dewitt (AD), Booker's baby girl, through a third party (those wacky scientists) to wipe out Booker's debt.   20 years later, Booker is in debt again.  He's told to "Find the girl" to wipe out his debt and is taken to a lighthouse where there is an elevator that goes Waaaaaaay up!  Finding himself in the cloud city of Columbia.

 

Comstock is also spiritual and de facto ruler of Columbia (somehow).   Despite him being the kind of cartoon villain that all other cartoon villains would point at and go "Phhhhht...what's with that guy?".  At the end,  there is an intersection in time where all versions of Booker will either become a drunk who would sell his daughter for a buck or a racist maniacal spiritual leader.  If he becomes a leader, a lot of people will die (despite him knowing this and to preach equality instead of racial hatred)  So his last act as a hero...before becoming a total douche...is to allow himself to be drowned.  Since this incident happened physically before Anna was born, She ceases to exist...across all realities.  As endings go, it was pretty lame. 
 
It was like:
     "I'm going to kill Comstock when he was younger - he sucks"
     "You ARE Comstock when he was younger"
     "Then I'm going to kill myself"
Blubblublublbub

Seriously?  You know the game was awesome!  It had variation....it had vigors (plasmids) which you could selectively upgrade and combination for vigors (like a combination attack)... you could upgrade your favorite firearm (but never all).   You could swing along the rail system like a high speed roller coaster and perform arial attacks on ground targets.  You have a shield that recharges but your health doesn't that easily.  There are upgrades to your health, shields and Salt (vigor) levels.  The story compells you forward.  Music...there was a ragtime version of 'Tainted Love' (must hear)...a barbershop quartet version of "God only knows" by the Beachboys ... many others as well.   Visually spectacular set in 1912...the look and feel is just amazing.

Despite all the high flying action of this game, the ending was an "I might suck so kill me now" and it doesn't work with the flow.   Sort of like being at the fair and you have won at all the carny games... went on a bunch of the rides...your girl is looking pretty against the neon lights as you indulge on cotton candy and caramel apples...and just when you are thinking you are having the best day of your life, you wake up finding half a cockroach in your mouth.

Here is my problem with the ending:

 Assuming Booker in the water is connected to all Bookers who would sacrifice themselves for the greater good.   You are actually ensuring more that Comstock will come to be (as a jerk that is).   Assuming endless possibilities, there could be a Booker scratching his balls and watching baseball in Chicago that would not be part of this water party.  Following that to its logical conclusion, where ever there was even a slight difference, there would be NO intersection  (How could there be?).   The Booker that would be Comstock would have declined sacrificing himself.   In fact each second isn't the exact duplicate of every other second.  Alternate realities would be as different as snowflakes.  He isn't beside himself as a younger man.  He didn't show up 20 years in his future INSIDE Comstock!   The writer did cleverly use the term 'Reality' as opposed to 'Dimension'.  It was also mentioned that Elizabeth/Anna could 'Modify' reality to the point where she could create stuff out of thin air that never was - under the natural order of things. 

 
The writer used Quantum and dimensional devices to create the feel of a good story .   It looks good and it creates an interesting feel...but the tools are obviously not used to their potential.  Much like a child that makes a mud pie and then puts chocolate icing on it; It looks like a chocolate cake...and if you taste the surface...it tastes like a chocolate cake...but if you take a bite, you've got a mouthful of dirt. 
 
  This is what happens when you have linear thinkers trying to make a non-linear story;  The sky looks distinctively like a sky texture would from the inside of a box.  The game was great!  The ending was so far up it's own ass that it simply vanished from this reality.
 
So here's my ending:  Booker grows up to be Comstock and preaches equality and insists on fair working conditions and wages.  No Vox.  No trouble.   Knowing the kind of trouble his bad decisions would have caused, he wises up...like people do. 

Hell's Kitchen - Season 11 Episode 6 (Summary in Limerick)

This is a recap of this episode in Limerick.   It's probably not very good...but I enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoy reading it as well.

Season 11 Episode 6…

and Ramsay needs to make a fix.  

With blue team a-winning

and Red team tail spinning

Jackie and Mary are offered as picks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Though blue team had worked hard and won the night

Ramsay said "It's my show so I have the right"

"Someone is over his head"

"Jeremy GO!"

 

 …and he fled.

"The rest of you - fuck off - I'll see you tonight!"

 

 

During the prep work and shelving the stocks up

Mary was sick and thought she was knocked up

The test, it said 'no'...

She got back to the show

With several minutes wasted screwing the mock pup

 

 

On the men's team, Danny is clueless

As a "Cook" he needs a 'To Do' list

Given a simple task,

He says "I have to ask"

"...For instructions to do my own best"

 

While walking through the men's area that night

Mary was admired for her hard will to fight

She thought they were dissing

And her manners went pissing

...and that respect fell off the table stage right

 

The laughter through the wall wasn't funny

The drama queen they thought was a honey

was listening through the wall

saying "I'm over them all"

...from a friend to end; what a cunny

 

Then Nedra steps up to help Mary

She burst through the doors looking scary

She opens her mouth

And shit comes flying out

...and she makes all the men look like fairies

 

Before service the waiters were whining

Meals had been prepared in poor timing

Jean-Phillipe had the floor

He wanted a lot more

To appreciate the bone he's been biting

 

 

Jessica and barrett were taking orders

Since Ramsay had expanded their job borders

Their cooking was all right

Though writing was not tight

...and their tickets were on-par with grade 4ers

 

Dan and Ray were at the fish station

The oddest pairing in the nation

Ray took over the spot

Dan stood around getting hot

Driving all else to excess libation

 

Ray had just finished cooking the fish

He brought 3 up to the pass in a dish

He said "Here's your bass"

Ramsay said "You stupid ass"

"I wanted Halibut.  Right now!  Thickish!"

 

 

 

On red team Nedra screws up the pork

Serves "...Raw in the middle..." like a dork

...and after Chef Ramsy realizes

To the customer she apologizes

Once more; you can "Stick her with a fork"

 

Though Ray had finally finished his task

"Raw" was not for what the chef asked

With a rage and a shout,

He said "Get the fuck out!"

Where in glory they will not bask

 

Ramsay came back to the women's team

"You are all walking on a high beam"

"If you make one more mistake..."

"From this kitchen -I will take

You to the dorms to fight for redeem

 

Mary slumped to the pass with raw meat

Moving like she had lead weights on her seat

Though 2 in the crew

The team they did screw

Chef sent them upstairs with an "It" to "Beat"

 

In both the dorms things were getting rather heated

red and blue teams lost tonight to themselves; defeated

Ray couldn't bring the right fish to the pass

Maybe in the '70s he smoked too much grass

And the gas valves on the women's ovens weren't seated

 

Up for elimination that night

Nedra, Mary, dan and Ray - in sight

This is going to be good!

"Tune in next week on Food!"

 

"To be continued"  Ahhhhh....That ain't right!



I REALLY hate Agam Darshi (I repeat for emphasis)

I watched an episode of Sanctuary with Agam Darshi in some kind of 'Super Suit'.   I guess the powers that be decided that it was good for ratings to have Agam show her 32 - 28 - 30  figure in all of its spectacular curvy glory.  The suit featured an ample cleavage area where you could clearly see it in its absence.  Well, being Canadian, we all like our maple syrup and pancakes.  

Perhaps I'm being too harsh on Agam Darshi and her minions in the film industry that keep finding this hack jobs to chew on.   Normally if I criticize this hard, I know that there will be people that will say "Lets see you do a better job of (blank) than (him, her, it, they, whatever)"...to which I would reply "If that was my job, I would hope to do better than the bottom 10%, yes"; However, with Agam...I can promise you that I could act better than her if you woke me up after a 7 day binge with one hour of sleep.  Actually...don't even wake me up.  "So why aren't you working as an actor?"  My detractors would query.  I don't know.  Possibly because I'm not a woman that looks like a 13 year old boy.  Possibly because I don't have connections.  Possibly because I'm old and ugly.  Possibly because I don't have a piece of paper that tells others I can act well.  Okay...lets see the "accredited" institution that said Agam can act (and this is quoted directly from her IMDB Bio):

"Agam studied Theater and Fine Arts at the University of Calgary and earned a degree and photography"

Oh...she's a photographer.   I "Studied" architecture and law at my school...it doesn't mean I'm an architect or a lawyer.  Perhaps they forgot to give her English 101; "...and photography..." should read "...IN photography".  Although it would be pretty clever if you just want "In" and don't care how you get there.   Also...you don't get a degree in "Photography"!!!   She got a BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts) That's it!  My sister got one of those as well.  Maybe I should go tell her that she is an actress now.

Oh...looking closer...she did "Minor" in "Theatre"...to which I would say "Very".

But wait...there's more!

"Agam is also a writer, artist, screenwriter, graphic-designer and producer and has written numerous plays and has worked on several film scripts, two of them are her independent films. As well as acting, in her spare time Agam loves to backpack and has already backpacked through Europe and Australia."

Yes! When she isn't "Writing"..."making art"..."Screenwriting"... "Graphic-designing"...if she has some spare time...she will do some "Acting" .... when she isn't backpacking around Europe and Australia ... or pulling weeds... doing dishes... or washing her hair.  Yes...because any idiot can act without much effort.  Acting doesn't even take any effort to those who are naturally gifted in not only acting but SO MANY other aspects of visual and written art.  MY GOD! Agam Darshi IS TO ART as EINSTEIN was to SCIENCE! Except much more DIVERSE.

"...Acting in her spare time..."
 
Says it all, doesn't it? 

Coyote Ugly? Maybe Coyote Stupid

I've been in Vegas this last week.  It has been hit or miss on most things but usually a good time.  I went partying around with this self proclaimed 'party animal' and my wife who knew him from work.  The evening was going great.  We stopped in to Twin Peaks for some tasty food.  Originally we were going to go to "Hooters' which was full of beautfiul women in fetching outfits, but the line-up was causing us to lose patience.  Our friend was going to go to "Coyote Ugly" that evening and was attempting to get us to come along.  The drinks were flowing and our host was being quite charming with one of the servers.  Twin Peaks was full of beautiful women in outfits that looked like Lara Croft with Lumber jack red and black half-tops.  We gambled for a bit.  Grabbed a free drink.  We went upstairs in 'New York, New York' got a revitalization treatment by a charming and beautiful lady by the name of Jasmine.  Aromatherapy and massage with some electrodes, oxygen...it felt like getting a tune up to your energy levels.  We mentioned that we may be checking out 'Coyote Ugly'.  Jasmine ran out and got us 3 coupons.  We saw the line-up to Coyote Ugly.  Several bouncers and a line made it look like a major attraction on that Friday night.  We couldn't see what was inside but, with that kind of line and security, it HAD to be good.  Our friend had left early to get his place in line.  He came back and told us to come in right away.  He bulleted on ahead and I had to convince the bouncers that I was with "The big guy who just came in".  I wasn't sure where he was but that we would find him soon.  Shannon was just wrapping up and she would be in shortly. 

Earlier in the day I had gone Casino hopping.  I wanted to see the architecture and the layout...the attractions, and (to be honest) I wanted to see the most fetching server girl outfits.  To that extent, I found that the Paris Casino Server outfirts took the edge over Planet Hollywood.  Maybe it was my preference for curvier women that tipped the scales.  It wasn't the best test.  Despite the time I was there, I hadn't even gotten to half of the Casinos on the strip.  

Anyways, getting back to 'Coyote Ugly'.  My buddy's enthusiasm made me think that this was going to be the most amazing experience.  Walking in, I could see the bar...it was 20 feet away through a wall of people... and mostly male people.  The darkened room looked like it was 25 feet across and about 50 feet long with 5 of the scrawniest women you could imagine (fully clothed) dancing on the bar and telling you how glad you *SHOULD be to be there.  My buddy was somewhere.  My best guess is that he plowed through to the bar.  These weren't my kind of women.  If they had more curves and better outfits...and there were less people there, that would have been better.  But no amount of them telling me how glad I should have been to be there was going to make it so.  It took 5 minutes to make up my mind to leave.  So I intercepted Shannon before she wasted the cover to get in.  We went back to gambling...had a drink and called it a night.  So much hype in Vegas.  You really have to separate the 'Big because it's substantial' versus the 'Big because we have Big media telling you so'.  Coyote Ugly was fucking stupid.  Don't wast your time and money.   You have to sit and wonder how much of Vegas is this kind of fucking bullshit. 

Agam Darshi SUCKS!!!

Oh that felt good.  No holding it back.  No mincing of words.  I think I'll put that on a T-Shirt.  I saw a performance today that would make an 8th grade drama teacher /Facepalm.  I had Sanctuary on the tele.  Wasn't watching it much but I did catch a performance so bad that I had to actually leave the room in disgust.  Agam Darshi played a person who defied a gun toating antagonist with not just the same believeable passion that we've come to expect from actors who have traded on their looks and sex appeal.  She surpassed expectations and gave a performance that would make everyday 3rd graders think they were child prodigies by comparison.  She actually looked...and sounded...like she was reading the lines right off of the antagonist's face; mumbled with the same passion as one would have ordering a pizza.

Back in the day, actors had something called "Charisma".  It is due to the fact that a lot of Production jobs these days are 'Inherited' from relatives.  Giving the jobs to the unworthy is a good way to make a shitty product.  Now "Charisma" was somehow interpreted to meaning: "Good Looking" despite having the personality of wet sandpaper.  Actors would act a part.  Their lines would reflect that part and each would affect progress through a plot.  Now it's like an actor reads one part...and another actor reads another part...and you could have the first actor read ALL parts for the fact that every single one of the characters is almost completely homogenous.  Is this a sign of the times?  Flat characters for a flat audience?   Has our obsession for computers made us all dull as shit... so our TV protagonists must reflect that?

I don't think so.  In other media, heroes are supersized and well defined.  TV has just gotten stale.  Too many hacks from the hand-me-down jobs from the boomers to the boomlets.  Where ever you find the passion, you will find the true artists.  Right now the talent is in the voice actors and game designers...the game artists.  Not all but proportionately...Computer Games are kicking the fuck out of TV right now.  Advertisers are beginning to realize this as well. 

Maybe these lifeless, good looking actors can find other jobs where their lack of emotion would be of benefit..."Human Mannequin"???

Borderlands 2 - A Game Review

I never played the first Borderlands so I am judging #2 based solely on its own merrits.  I've never seen a game so well put together with such a stupid story.  The main antagonist is one "Handsome Jack".  He calls you up to mock you from time to time.  Despite being an amoral jerk to everyone around him in a world filled with guns, no one sees fit to put a bullet to the back of his head. 

Your first encounter is with a robot named "Clap Trap".  This character is about as annoying as an eight year old hyperactive kid with 2 shots of vodka and a pound of chocolate.  The game refers to him as annoying but does nothing about it.  It's part of a joke:  The new humour.  You see back in the old days there was this thing called "funny".  You would actually laugh at something because it was "funny" (not because it's awkward or embarrassing or disgusting or sarcastic while bean-counters like Will Ferrell augment this with bulgy eyes and overreaction).  See the kids now think that instead of telling a joke and ending with a good solid punch line - You say what appears to be a joke but instead of actually saying a punch line, you just look at your audience nervously and let the awkwardness of the moment soak right in.  Well this game is replete with this stupidity.  They are targetting their demographic.  I'm not saying I blame them but I think they kind of sold out.  I find it ironic that a game of superior quailty like this could acquiesce to humour and story of such lazy indifference.

There is one point in the story where you have to cross a bridge to continue.  Well "Brick" who is "King of the Slabs" has an idea.  There is this fortress nearby but the only way you are getting up is to piss off the man in charge so he takes the elevator down.  So you cross the map...blow up his Gyrocopter.  You go back (fighting all the way).  He comes down.  You kill him and take the elevator up.  Now on the platform, you mark a bunch of explosives for pickup by Brick's Slab Gyrocopters who fly the explosives to the bridge...blow up the obstruction and now the bridge can be crossed.

Uh...couldn't the gyrocopters have taken me across the span without any of this other bullshit - especially considering time is of the essence?  Who came up with the idea for this?  A committee from the local kindergarten???  

Your pals (who also happen to be the protagonists from the first Borderlands) nag at you constantly to do stuff...their stuff.  The supersized graphical intro doesn't seem so action packed when all they say is "I need you to do something for me (I'm too busy standing here looking cool to do it myself)".
Somehow when they get really pissy in their nagging, it also happens to be when the action heats up as well...and you are too busy trying to stay alive to listen to what they are saying.

I don't mind doing stuff...but give me a good reason.  I destroyed 50 of Brick's Slabs for his (very poorly thought out -) initiation.  Next thing you are raising his gang's flag in zones controlled by other gangs (!?) Why!?  Gang Pride!?  Our idiots are better than your idiots because I'm doing this for them and not you...wow...maybe the Kindergarten students got off the short bus for this one.  Eventually there just seems to be no reason for anything and you kill with the same indifference as eating peanuts.  This, in itself, is kind of scary.  I'd like to get into the story.  The only person that could get into a story of moral indifference is a psychopath.  It's like trying to take a bath in an inch of water.  Then again the game is really geared for the multiplayer crowd.  I only play multiplayer if I can reach over and smack the other players if they get out of line. 

Everything mechanical in this game is top notch.  There are 4 characters to choose from.  Each character gets skill points when they level to spend on one of 3 areas of speciality and there are sub-classes even beyond that.  You can change how you play each character based on the choices.  Also... there is an easy way to reset your skill points if you want to try out a different configuration.  There are a TON of different weapons to choose from.  Each weapon has aspects that are listed about it as well as there are aspects that are not listed like; Type of sights; bullet travel time; delay; recoil.  Sometimes the best way to see if you like a firearm is to take it out in the field and try it out - be careful though - In this game, things can get real dangerous real quick.  The interface takes a little time getting used to - but it isn't too bad once you do.  Each area is like a sandbox game.  You can go explore places and get stuff; it doesn't really matter if you have a quest there or not. 

That said; don't use the Assault Rifle class.  What should be a decent class of firearm is relegated to the worst of all things; crappy magazine size, terrible recoil, shitty damage, slow reload times, and inaccurate.  Actual assault rifles are a valuable asset on the battlefield.  They often use Sniper (7.62mm Nato) ammunition...and are sure as fuck more accurate than ANY SmG and over a greater distance.  There is another problem right there.  The guys you are fighting look like they are playing paintball.  They could probably fire a howitzer one handed while jumping off a balcony and doing a barrel roll.  It's fucking ridiculous.  Some of the guns don't make sense.  One of the design is for a minigun with a breach that is 4x45 degree angles from the rotating barrels. 

Eventually everything just seems to get redundant.  The enemies get predictable.  They manage to ambush you every single time to compensate.  You keep chasing numbers with numbers like a child looking for the base of a rainbow that keeps moving away from him.  Eventually you just say "okay well I guess that's it for me".

Nevermind.  This game is a cartoon.  It doesn't make sense...but so what?  Play it for a while but make sure to stop and give your head a shake.  The logic holes in every aspect of this, even Mathew Costello could fly a hot air (appropriately) balloon through.