New Music

Remember when music just made you get up and want to dance?  When guitar solos made you want to go out and buy a guitar?  Seriously...when was the last time you broke out that air guitar and jammed out some mock riffs to your favorite tunes? 

New music has been committee designed to appeal to their target audience (teenagers) based on the new music being 'new' and the women in the music videos generically worthy of thinking about during a good wanking.  It doesn't seem like that long ago you could hum a toon from J-Lo that would sound like it came from a bored 4 year old stringing random notes together - although I don't understand why you would.  I felt that there would be no going downhill from that point in musical dark ages.  Well what's worse than living in a rat infested, ground floor apartment with one window that is 5 feet from someone's exaust port on the street?  Apparently the creaters of modern music have decided that they can use the area UNDER the floor of said apartment.   You could throw a metal garbage can out of a 5 story window and have it land on a constipated Chihuahua and have it sound better than the crap being produced today.   There is always a 'committee' when you see two normally different things being duct taped together like it would sell twice as much.  I call this phenomena the Ice-cream pizza.  It's what you get when you have two morons telling you there are two things people like; one being ice-cream and the other being pizza...and the second guy saying now WE'VE COMBINED THEM INTO ONE GREAT PRODUCT!!!  Oh yeah...and there has to be a third guy somewhere who is rich enough to be 'in charge' and missing a chromosome enough to say "THAT'S A GREAT FUCKING IDEA!!!"

I grew up in an age where the music just takes you away to a wonderous place of pure enjoyment.  I grew up in a time of Linda Carter's Wonder Woman and Catherine Bach's Daisy Duke.  Listening to my best music while fantasizing about Daisy Duke?  Those were 2 different places of happiness where nary the two were comfortable in the same room.  Enter the 'Ice-cream Pizza' idiots.  Next thing you have gorgeous women getting slutty in videos with music to throw yourself off a bridge by.   This travesty of musical justice is known in the industry as "The Package"
 
Lets round up a list of a few of the usual suspects;

Beyonce
     Probably buys her metal garbage cans in bulk and lives 5 floors above a pet store.   Her videos can be between mildly sexual to outright vulgar.   Oddly enough, it's the ones that are the most subtle that I find the most sexy.  She seriously has it going on.  Too much in the flaunting department leaves me cold though.   She has heart and vision but the music makes me want to put a tin pail on my head and hit it with a hammer until the music stops.

Taylor Swift

      Not exactly using her sexuality to get ratings.  The audience is different in that country music appeals to the more conservative elements of the market.  Still there is no arguing with 'The package'.  This woman is gorgeous.  I can't say I mind her music either.  It doesn't get in my blood and get me dancing or playing guitar solos but I guess I wouldn't mind it travelling between main and the third floor.

Brittany Spears

     Brit was the original 'Package Deal'.  What happens to 'the package' when she grows up and has kids?  Effectively she has to actually work for a pay cheque or put on extra layers of pantyhose, peroxide and makeup.  "Hi Brittany...this is reality calling. You've been making money from 'music' for 10 years...it's time to actually make music rather than wank videos that teenage boys can mindlessly hum to".

Lets take a trip back to where it all began...

52 year old Madonna.  Seriously?  I've seen fat, hairy, middle age crossdressing men that look better than this.  All you 'Package Deal' women take a good hard look.  I'm the ghost of Christmas future and THIS could be YOU unless you change your ways.