The Step Mother-in-law from hell

On some level of hell must go a sect of people with whom nothing is ever really good enough for.  Their level of tolerance is as thin as a layer of saran wrap, yet as flexible as a sheet of glass.  There is a reason why campy Sci-Fi puts a Nazi uniform on individuals with 'Upper English'  accents.      

Recently there is what was (supposed to be) a private email which was written by Carolyn, the woman pictured below, to her future Step-daughter-in-law.  The letter went viral.  The letter, completely oblivious to its own delivery of rudeness, chastises the D I L for being rude in the most minor of social infractions (according to Carolyn's high standards for other people).  

Carolyn: The Step MIL from HELL

The Letter in question 

  There has been a lot of discussion online about this one.  Let's  break it down, shall we?

It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.
Those are some strong words of disappointment.  Heidi must have shown up picking her nose and smashing beer cans against her forehead while belching in the faces of the other guests.  Well lets read WHAT Carolyn had a problem with (oh man...it must be pretty bad)


When you are a guest in another’s house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat – unless you are positively allergic to something.
 Okay.  So she didn't eat it, and threw it at the maid and stomped around the table in a chant protesting - no?  There was just food that she didn't want to eat.  Okay.  What else did you have a problem with, Carolyn?


When a guest in another’s house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early – you fall in line with house norms.
So she slept in. Maybe a bugle would be in order. You should get her to polish her shoes and press her dress and stand at attention in the drive-way at dawn while you inspect her before getting her to run 10 miles with a 75 lb pack.


You do not remark that you do not have enough food
Maybe she didn't know there was to be 7 more courses finishing off with an ample serving of quiet British contempt.


You do not start before everyone else.
 Well it seems to me that SOMEONE is going to start eating first.  Given that the person in question is a Diabetic, and that managing her blood sugar level is a question of life or a horrible death or loss of bodily functions, I'd say 'Give her a fucking pass'.


You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.
(oh...this is too funny) Please Sir! Can I have some more?


I am being kept awake – or woken early – by Bomber who is so profoundly upset by your behaviour on your recent visit that he is depressed and anxious.
(Bomber is the dog) YES!  The dog was very upset that she used the dessert fork for the main course.  The DOG is traumatized that SHE SLEPT IN.  The DOG needs to see a psychiatrist because Heidi took another helping of DINNER!!!   OOOOOOO Kay!

Or are you saying that Heidi 'Made you feel' so upset that the dog was reflecting your own emotional distress?  Interesting.  Carolyn; no one can 'Make you feel' anything.   You clearly over-reacted and drove your own emotions into a tizzy. 


Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you.  
It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so. Your behaviour on your visit to Devon during April was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace.  
 I Think Carolyn has delusions of being the Queen.  What kind of flowers do you grow, exactly?

You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.
Carolyn; The thing about an insult is that it's not exactly true.  Judging from what you said, I very much doubt Heidi would have to resort to fiction to retrieve something unflattering about the family.   


I have no idea whether you wrote to thank Georgia for the weekend but you should have hand-written a card to her.
Yes...and have that dispatched on the quickest horse in the stables!


You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed at Houndspool.
Dear Carolyn, I found your quiet contempt most endearing.  It was only a couple of days with you but it really seemed like years.  Thanks for having me over.   I really want to do that again soon.

 
Georgia has quite the most exquisite manners of anyone I have ever come across. You would do well to follow her example.
Georgia will be heading to the sanitarium soon.  Please write her a 'get well' card.  BTW.  She finally farted and took out half of  Devon.


Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners I have experienced from you. If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste.  
Yes...I am a woman and I want me and my offspring to have the last name of WIDER-BOURNE.  I want a life so critical and un-fun that I can, in turn, be critical of other people as is outlined in the `broomstick up the ass` manifesto.   


You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why.
It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren’t the only young person in the world who is a diabetic.  
Yeah!  Get over it!  Sheesh...you`d think it was some kind of life threatening disease or something! 


I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition.
Probably because she doesn`t trust you...go figure


She quietly gets on with it. She doesn’t like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.
Oh for God Sake!  Just shut up and die in a very British way.  No one has to know that you have a disease (and by knowing could potentially save your life).  It`s more important to not say anything and, at least not call attention to yourself.  

There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series. Please, for your own good, for Freddie’s sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible.
Yes...RUN!!!

As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example. You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.
Yes!  You can only eat when we tell you it`s okay to eat so for GOD`s SAKE...if you know we are going to the beach, digest your food slower!

No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.
Fun!? What is this word...`Fun`? 
 

I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters’ marriages.)  
Her dad ran an agency supplying nurses to care homes...the business recently went under.   Thanks for rubbing that in.   How polite of you to mention it.



If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes. 
Carolyn...you grow flowers.  You are not 'The Queen'.  You are the Queen of Spades though. 



One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.
He repairs bikes and she`s a PA.  Lets look at the couple:

Freddie...you are one lucky Son of a bitch (or is that `Step` son)

In Conclusion;  Carolyn...you need to have a long, hard talk with Bomber.   I think he will tell you that your expectations are too linear in an ever evolving world of cultural tolerances.   Your Broom-up-ass viewpoint limits the potential of your own human experience.

As well...stop snorting your damn flowers  (Ruff!!)

A tale of two Noids (a pair o' noids)

I take joy in punishing the paranoid if they have proven themselves to be jerks.   How do you punish the paranoid...well...it's actually kind of hard not to.  I'm not saying that one shouldn't protect certain information.  It is when the desire to protect oneself surpasses the realistic expectations of a threat.  The problem is that the term 'Realistic' depends on the individual's perception of reality. 

Stupid by the pairs :   When two people get together in a couple, they communicate about their opinions on subjects.  Generally the couple reaches a consensus about what 'their' opinion is.  This is dangerous ground.  When the members of a couple are mutually askew in the same way...they can re-enforce a false belief .  This can manifest itself dysfunctionally in several ways.  Arrogance and Paranoia are two of those manifestations.  In some ways, a couple that isolates itself from having deep and respectful interaction with others is almost like an individual that isolates himself and experiences a certain degree of dementia.

The dummies in question?  :  Just a couple of small minds who now live in a small town.  Their relationship compounded their ignorance and a friend I loved drowned in a sea of illusion.

ASSHOLES OF HISTORY

Joseph R "Douchebag" McCarthy

A man who could have single handedly started World War 3.  This American politician found Communists in his fruitloops.  He was just the right sort of paranoid that the US would have embraced in the '50s in the aftermath of WW2 with the fear of Stalinism (that they unilaterally called Communism because Americans don't know the difference between that and essentially Fascism under a guise of 'ultra- democracy').  This R-Tard came along and started his Witch-Hunt armed with  pointed fingers and power.  Communism was viewed as a disease that must be purged at every turn lest it spread like some kind of Zombie infestation.  This irrational view of communism created a rift between the West and the (then) Soviet Union and China.  The resulting 'Cold War' would last another 39 fucking years. 

Why?

Because Stalin was an idiot.  Sure.  Stalin should have been shot in the face in his crib with a hollow point 7.62...at least...but Stalinism is not Communism.  DUH!  You get fear mongerers like this fool running around saying 'THERE'S A COMMUNIST! QUICK...THROW IT IN THE FIRE!'. 

This is what happens when you don't have an educated public. 

You have people running around being afraid of what idiots like this TELL them to be afraid of.

So lets have a look at "Tailgunner Joe's" Resume, Shall we?

• Chose US marines to further his future political career.  ...and bring integrity to the unit by all of his past and future dealings...NOT!!!
• Education allowed him 2nd Lieuie...he later said he started as a 'Buck Private' so as to 'look better'.  When the lies get this casual...it's time to wonder how deep the rabbit hole goes.
• flew 12 combat missions as a gunner / observer, Lying later saying he flew 32 in order to get the Distinguished flying cross which he later received.   Yeah...12...give or take 20.
• Forged and publicized his own 'Military commendation' with the "signatures" of  his commanding officer and Admiral Nimitz, abusing his position of 'Intelligence Officer'.  He was just saving the Admiral some time...and command responsibility.  Go Marines! 
• A "War Wound" involving AA and plane crashes was actually received aboard ship in a ceremony for sailors who crossed the equator for the first time.  Maybe he tripped on the AA gun and smacked his head on a plane that was parked there.
• In Senate campaign, McCarthy attacked La Follette for not enlisting.  La Follette would have been 46 at the time of Pearl Harbour.  He also accused La Follette of profiting from the country being in the war...while 'he' and his fellow 'Americans' were off fighting it.   (Turns out the McCarthy was also profitting to an equal extent in the same way).  You see McCarthy subscribed to the teachings of the Greek philosopher 'Hypocrites'. 
• Charged that the US Army was engaged in a coverup of judicial misconduct ... without anything to back it up.  God...well he must have been a fucking Scorpio.
• Made "Worst Senator of all time" list for the time.  I would have thought his quick temper and penchant for irrational accusation would have endeared him to his fellow politicians.
• Gave himself the nickname "Tailgunner Joe" for his military service.  Which, by itself, has a double-entendre of epic proportions.  (Considering all the 'Tails' he has 'Gunned').
• Died at the age of 48 due to Accute Hepatitis aggravated by rampant Alcoholism.  He must always have been seeing Communists in pairs.
• Accused both a US war hero and Harry S. Truman of being Communist sympathizers.   "Yes Mr. President...or should I say DA, COMRADE!!!"
• McCarthyism today is a term used in the context of baseless defamation and mudslinging.  As an alcoholic liar, McCarthy believed he could fool all the people all the time.  Now All the people will only believe him to be a fool for all time.
• Assumed the role of  a crusader against what he convinced the public to be a clear and present threat (in order to gain political power).  He nurtured fear of Communism along with his commitment to root it out.  The fear lasted well after McCarthy and caused the US to make some unfortunate decisions like Vietnam.  Way to put the nation first...for the firing squad.
• Won his first campaign with serious backing of a 'union' on the basis he would be 'Left Friendly'.  That was the kind of advice that if it were a cheque would be written in crayon with a clown's face on it.

The problem with McCarthy is that people were afraid of the 'Spread' of Communism and not willing to sit down and actually think about what exactly they were afraid of.  This fear gave way to a need that an opportunistic fear mongerer like McCarthy could exploit.  Communism doesn't work.  It fails to address the natural human need to acquire the best shit.  Stalinism was the perversion of the Communist ideals to terrorize and control the people in a Totalitarian system.  Stalinism is what the US was actually afraid of and was the closest thing to the Nazi 'ultra-fascism' to ever exist; before, during and since.  So here's the funny part;  Fascism is Right Wing!!!

If the 'Tail Gunner' ran out of 'Tails' to 'Gun' on the left, he could have started calling Republicans Nazis...well not all of them...just the ones that exploit the fear of the masses to serve their own purp -

uh "Never Mind".   Yeah I'll bet, Hypocrites.

More LowLights from the Stanley Cup Playoffs

More photos of the 2011 Stanley Cup Riot:

Once again...congratulations go out to the parents;  They're the really big losers of the Stanley Cup playoffs.  Teach your kids to take pride in themselves...not in a fucking sports team.

Stanley Cup Riots in Vancouver...AGAIN!

As it turns out, the big losers of the Stanley Cup finals weren't the Canucks who actually were rather good about the whole thing.  Sure they lost...but in many ways they won as well.  One game short of the Stanley Cup?  Fuckin' A (Well maybe an A- but still pretty good).   To be honest?   They'll be back and they will learn from what they did right and what they did wrong (or at least I hope so).   Boston deserved the win...they out scored the Canucks 3-1 in 7 games.

The big loser were the parents of the Vancouver teens and 20 somethings who pursued the 'group-think'.   Thousands of young people Rioting in the streets of downtown Vancouver.  Well that's what you get for mating with thugs; Thick, stupid children who have no respect for anything.  Congrats to all you parents who had a kid out there breaking things.  This is for you.


We really showed Boston and the rest of the world how gracious we can be even in defeat (and if you don't get it, ask a friend).  Hopefully each and every one of the people identified by the copious amount of evidence will be presented with a hefty fine for being a complete idiot.  Either that or have a group show up at their place and break their stuff (actually...I kind of like that idea).


Man...I saw the `group-think` going toward downtown.  My wife had the car so I was taking the skytrain into Burnaby going West.  The crowd going toward the stadium was ready to fight.  I don`t think even cheering a victory would have satisfied them.  There was a negative vibe...they were out to tear shit up.   The pictures are courtesy of the Winnipeg Sun http://www.winnipegsun.com/photos

More to follow

Duke Nukem Forever - One more thing

If you are old enough to be a fan of the original Star Trek...do you remember how badly the first movie sucked?

10 years after the series ended and it arrived so badly short of expectation that everyone shook their heads and sighed.  Was it the movie company (Paramount?) resting their heads on the original appeal of the series...maybe.  The series came together as a combination of chemistry between production, writing and acting.  A movie 10 years after, with mostly different staff,  isn't going to hit the ground running.  It's very difficult to re-create the soul of something.   As far as I'm concerned... you can't.  Star Trek died when its production was cancelled back in '68.  So let`s take this back to the Duke.

Duke didn't Fail...it just tried to be too much and spread itself too thin.  I want sales of this game to rocket.  We got the Duke Nukem The Motion Picture TF out  of the way;  I want to see Duke Nukem's 'Wrath of Khan'.

Seriously...Duke IS Ranxerox for Americans.  As Brutality goes, Ranxerox got him beat though.

KHAN!!!

Duke Nukem Forever - Review

(The original Duke Nukem)

That's right folks.  Ranxerox was a creation that was published in Heavy Metal Adult Comics before the creation of the Duke Nukem 1.  This guy had edge and brutality that would make the Duke look like Santa Claus by comparison.  Not so much quantity of villains (like Duke) but more the brutality against even the tiniest of social infractions.   Like say for instance the guy sitting on Duke's throne would have been kicked in the ass so hard that he would have gotten airtime and needed surgery after.

Could the creators have used Ranxerox as a template...or could Duke have been made not that long after it and just happened to have the same formula for a protagonist?  Who knows but really?  Not likely for the latter. 

  

Background

In any event Duke Nukem Forever is here at long last.  I remember 'Duke Nukem 3D' coming out in '96.  It really kicked ass and chewed bubble gum.  That game was created by a passionate crew that had a vision about Duke and had some new technology at the time that was not used by anyone else.  'Technology' would be the stumbling block for the attempt to pursue a sequel.  The small team kept having their incarnation of the project become obsolete before they were halfway close to finishing. Eventually, two heavy hitters came to the aid of the Duke;  2k Games and Gearbox, and DNF got done. 

Up Front

The game starts off very fun.  Duke re-enacts the final battle from DN3D with modern embellishments.  Afterwards, pulling back from a TV screen, you see Duke was actually playing his own game.  I won't spoil what happens but there are a couple of women dressed up like school girls who finish up giving  Duke an oral report sans words.  Duke has his own casino...strip club...burger franchise... you name it.  There is even a 'Duke' musical.  A lot of the farce is still alive and well. 

The parts do not equal the whole

How can you recreate Duke that won't disapoint an audience that either remembers the impact of the old Duke or one that is a new audience that just completely doesn't get it?  Challenging to say the least.  There is heart to this game.  I'm not sorry that I bought it.  It was, however, seemingly done by a committee in it's mechanics.  I will discuss these points:

Super size the duke!  Instead of saying 'power armor is for pussies' A Duke wearing serious armor to boost his strength and protection could make a fun romp and killathon. 

Where's the damn jet pack?  It's not in the single player campaign.  Yeah...we'll throw that away along with the key cards and have these movement puzzles all over the place...you know...add the worst fucking part of Half-life.  Don't get me wrong...I'm all for juxtaposition.   The last thing I would want is to turn Duke into a cacophony of gun fight and non-stop action like 'Call of Duty'.   It's just that if I were to enjoy a little down time, I'd rather be anywhere else than to wade in shit looking for the right size barrels to throw into a hopper.  

Duke is trying to make too many people happy...and ends up making no one happy.  In the old Duke, you could choose your pace.  You could literally get the jet pack in 45 seconds and end the first level in under a minute and a half if you were so inclined...of course you would miss out on all the stuff to see and grab in between.   If you had the jet pack, you could cut corners if you were so inclined.  The beauty of it is that you wanted to see what was around the next corner. 

STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS EVERYONE   The new generation of gamers are picky to say the least.  Do not try to sacrifice fun for realism.  To a point...sure.  But you need to know that level.  It doesn't matter if Duke is carrying around 3 tons worth of weapons and ammo...if the player is enjoying himself...that is all that matters.  Enjoyment is coupled with immersion for gaming.  If you can destroy a boss with a static discharge from rubbing yourself against a carpet...you lost me.   Losing half the weapons available to you because you can only carry 2 mains is way too far the other way.   Someone wasn't really in charge of the full artistic development of the project in regard to the mechanics.  In other words, this was done by committee.  You can't have a pizza with all the toppings and have everyone who likes at least one of the toppings enjoy the entire pizza (all committees do this) rather you should pick the toppings that work well together and reflect the main aspect of the game.  Which leads me to my next point.

Aspect to the game.   What are you trying to do?  Do you want a movement puzzle game like Halflife or a free flowing fly around on the jetpack game?  Well...lets think about this.  IT'S DUKE FFS!!!

Do you want a 'Design combination' 2 weapon slot type game that would keep things interesting in Multiplayer because not everyone can have all weapons...or...Do you want everyone to be able to carry all the weapons and plenty of ammo?  Well you don't start with Prepackaged combinations of weapons (like you would in Team Fortress) and it makes sense.  It's not an army game and there is no sandbox to set up an attack strategy in the single player game.  In 3D you had options.   People liked having options.  You can't plan an attack strategy not knowing what is going to happen next.  You end up picking the 'Safe' weapons and not having as much fun.  I found that one out walking into a fight with a couple of Assault Commanders with a fucking shrink ray (as it turns out, it's hard to squish something under your feet that, even shrunk, is bigger than you and is flying over your head...funny about that). 

Do you want a visually interesting game or do you want a game that is grey, dark and spooky.  I'd say that when you go 'Dark and Spooky' go 'Seriously Dark and Spooky'.  Step the fuck up to the plate.  I don't want any more of this bullshit where I have to constantly switch between night vision and standard vision wondering which one sucks less.  Some games use darkness as a means to enhance intensity.  The plot or intensity of the characters tends to enhance this effect.   Slapping wall tits isn't exactly one of those things that enhances intensity...and I'd rather be slapping wall tits than being all serious and spooky all the time...once again:  IT'S DUKE FFS!!! 

Bubbles in Swimming to catch my breath?  Ok...obviously (and hopefully) sarcasm pointed at any stupid game where you stand on a vent blowing out air bubbles to breath underwater (Sonic the Hedgehog).   Or at least I hope so.  This serves a second purpose in the fact that it guides a player to his destinations. 

What did I like?  The Ego as a shield and being able to build that up.  I loved the strip club in the middle of it.  The fetch quest was completely tongue in cheek.  I liked the fact that Duke kept having fun with pop culture references and satires.  At the end he satired 'Call of Duty Modern Warfare'.   I liked the cheesy one-liners...in moderation.   The enemies were mostly tough and you didn't have to flood the area with them to make it a challenge.  To be honest...I liked the T'nA.  I liked the bling and materialism and the interaction with other people was a step in the right direction as well.

I would normally give this game a  6 out of 10 but the Duke factor takes it to a 7.  Well that and I'm a big fan of satirical humor.