I went back in time on facebook a little while ago.
3 decades ago:
A little background first: Lyna; Common Law wife; 2 years living together. Cathy - Lyna's father's CL; typical overweight home (and busy) body; large on politics and drama... low on brain cells. My job; Parts driver - Death Trap vehicle previously should have been written off in an accident before I got the job as it couldn't hold the road for shit.
The relationship lasted 2 years. For the better part of the first year I supported her. I had to quit my job; another Winter working in that death-trap would have sent me to the hospital or the morgue. If I was going to risk my life like that then it had better pay more than $5 per hour! I was never happy with the way I quit but it was done. Lyna had a part time job as a clerk in a painting shop. I went on Social Assistance so we were earning about the same and barely making ends meet. My friend, William, was able to get Lyna a second part time job with the company he worked for. So, then, Lyna was working as full time (essentially), which is what I did before. Well that was all that Cathy needed to say "SHE'S WORKING 2 JOBS AND YOU AREN'T WORKING AT ALL!?" Yes; 2x 19 hours = 38. I was working 40 hours a week supporting her for the first year. 2 months of the lion share of support coming from Lyna and Cathy started using distorted perspective statements like the one above.
I never cheated on Lyna. There was an incredibly sexy bombshell of a woman named Susan at my work. She was into me and I was into her. She had me give her a massage long enough for me to realize that if I didn't stop...and I really just started...that something was going to happen and that it wasn't fair to Lyna. So I stopped and walked away. Susan later got another job...and later I heard that she had moved to England. If I only realized what Lyna would have done to me; fuck...I would have plowed Susan every chance I had.
Lyna decided that she was the sole provider of my sexual experience. She had a VERY dim view of
taking care of it so, naturally I was horny most of the time. When I realize how much power I had given her...I shudder. Later I found my own sexual power. I wasn't going to be anyone's puppet. I found an inner tenderness from being a father. I started to appreciate those close to me with a special understanding of their fundamental need to be understood and comforted. I believe that if I showed that tenderness and consideration to Lyna that she may have not left me but would she have been happy? Would our goals have been the same? Would our needs have been compatible? Would she have still taken the gospel from a trouble making drama queen?
Fucking thing all came down to 'Money' too. Ridiculous. I spend a ton of money these days without even thinking about it and I have good credit.
Lyna was a beautiful woman with really bad teeth. When she got some money from her grand folks to get her teeth fixed...she looked amazing! I think it was about this time that Cathy had decided that 'She could do better'.
Lyna cheated on me after having Cathy cover for her for the full weekend saying that she was someplace else. Lyna came back with Hickeys all over her neck that she tried to hide with a high neck sweater. I knew before that Lyna was getting close to a guy...I figured it was a friend. After I found out, I was Hyperventilating, crying and shouting. She actually said:
"You know how sensitive I am. You have to calm down because it's hurting me to see you like this". Well...I'm sorry for not making your ruining of my life less uncomfortable for you. The one thing that I wanted to do after the rage hit my hormones was to have sex with Lyna. It was like making it to the Super Bowl and deciding that you just don't feel like playing. This would have capped it off. She didn't want to play. Apparently her need to have me calm down didn't include her doing anything about it.
Lyna packed all of her stuff into garbage bags and moved out the next day. I was devastated. I couldn't sleep for 3 days at a time and would wake up in a cold sweat when I could. As it was close to the end of the month, I had to pull money from our Joint account to pay for our rent. She actually called me up to complain about paying for what she believed to be MY rent with what she believed was HER money.
Later, she accused me of 'Getting her fired' from her new job...I was too castrated at that point to tell her that the only person who got her fired was herself and that I didn't have anything to do with it. As I recall, I sounded as broken and pathetic as I could to get a sympathy boink; well I was 26 and I believed that a final breakup rendezvous would have, at least, calmed me down a bit.
For 3 months I was a complete basket case. A year and a half later of living with Lyna's ghost and Later...mice. I would wake up at 5:30 am to go to work and all the mice that were huddled against me for warmth at night would disperse. Landlord was a greedy bastard. He kept hiking up the rent even though the heating never worked right, there was mold on the windows, there was ice on the inside sill in Winter time. The place was a frigging dump! I did have friends though...it made the difference.
I always thought that I would warm up to the idea of having kids with Lyna. I believe we would have made beautiful children together.
The way she did it, I wouldn't have done to my worst enemy. I wasn't sure if I wanted children with Lyna...and she absolutely wanted them. I, unfortunately, did the three worst things you can do when you break up with someone: #1 keep their private pictures. #2 Stay in the place where you both lived together. #3 be active on a BBS (early form of localized newsgroup) where she can ignore you on a regular basis.
I guess #3 was the most insidious. I had a gaping hole where my intimate relationship used to be. Someone who told me she loved me 20 times a day. Who was all google eyed and loving then turning around and doing what she did. The BBS was what I was drawn to because I needed answers; some form of closure. For her it was a way for her to act superior to me, ignore me and tell me to get a life. The situation culminated into a
perfect storm of my acting out. I'm embarrassed by the things that I said. Those things helped fuel the alienation process. Lyna traded up. Phil had his own vehicle, he was making payments to RRSP, he had a good, steady job. If that's the way she thought then maybe I really didn't know her at all.
When I stopped those things, getting over Lyna was easy. I went on dates and got on with my life.
There was still pain when I thought about it. What she did and how she did it. She had to get out; I get that. It was the right thing for her. It wasn't her goals, but her methods were akin to Freddy Kruger open heart surgery.
I have to think, even in those horrible times, maybe she still had feelings for me but she had to burn the bridge to keep from changing course.
I never even met Phil. My brother-in-law, Nico new him...that was it.
Every time I remembered that time was pain. I was thinking that, maybe after a couple of decades that her and I could be Facebook friends. Sort of my way of telling her that things were Okay. I've got a great son and wife. I just got back from Italy and Greece. Everything is good.
Apparently Lyna buried me in a pile marked "Shitty stuff from my past" that she doesn't want to acknowledge or even look at. I suppose that is the thing that reopened this for me. The idea that all that you were, are and will become is not good enough to even associate with.
When I did some checking around on Facebook and whatnot, I found out that the guy she dumped me for was bald and ugly and they have 3 daughters that look just like him. They live out in the Valley. For 20 fucking years I didn't even know what this guy looked like.
I lurk in on her Facebook page from time to time. Lyna has gained about 100 lbs. Looks like both of us had finally quit smoking. She's become a dull overweight housewife from the valley. Her and Phil have been married all this time. If I think about her, I think about her fondly. If I really think about it, I still feel love for her...though we will never be together physically, the memory of who I believed her to be is still running around in my mind; Charming, Smiling and doting over me. I hate that I feel this way for someone who likely has never really given a shit about me.
Dear Reader; I know this article is very disjointed. It's actually me just getting my thoughts out as they come up...sometimes more emotional than thoughtful. Lyna is not her real name.
