Borderlands 2 - A Game Review

I never played the first Borderlands so I am judging #2 based solely on its own merrits.  I've never seen a game so well put together with such a stupid story.  The main antagonist is one "Handsome Jack".  He calls you up to mock you from time to time.  Despite being an amoral jerk to everyone around him in a world filled with guns, no one sees fit to put a bullet to the back of his head. 

Your first encounter is with a robot named "Clap Trap".  This character is about as annoying as an eight year old hyperactive kid with 2 shots of vodka and a pound of chocolate.  The game refers to him as annoying but does nothing about it.  It's part of a joke:  The new humour.  You see back in the old days there was this thing called "funny".  You would actually laugh at something because it was "funny" (not because it's awkward or embarrassing or disgusting or sarcastic while bean-counters like Will Ferrell augment this with bulgy eyes and overreaction).  See the kids now think that instead of telling a joke and ending with a good solid punch line - You say what appears to be a joke but instead of actually saying a punch line, you just look at your audience nervously and let the awkwardness of the moment soak right in.  Well this game is replete with this stupidity.  They are targetting their demographic.  I'm not saying I blame them but I think they kind of sold out.  I find it ironic that a game of superior quailty like this could acquiesce to humour and story of such lazy indifference.

There is one point in the story where you have to cross a bridge to continue.  Well "Brick" who is "King of the Slabs" has an idea.  There is this fortress nearby but the only way you are getting up is to piss off the man in charge so he takes the elevator down.  So you cross the map...blow up his Gyrocopter.  You go back (fighting all the way).  He comes down.  You kill him and take the elevator up.  Now on the platform, you mark a bunch of explosives for pickup by Brick's Slab Gyrocopters who fly the explosives to the bridge...blow up the obstruction and now the bridge can be crossed.

Uh...couldn't the gyrocopters have taken me across the span without any of this other bullshit - especially considering time is of the essence?  Who came up with the idea for this?  A committee from the local kindergarten???  

Your pals (who also happen to be the protagonists from the first Borderlands) nag at you constantly to do stuff...their stuff.  The supersized graphical intro doesn't seem so action packed when all they say is "I need you to do something for me (I'm too busy standing here looking cool to do it myself)".
Somehow when they get really pissy in their nagging, it also happens to be when the action heats up as well...and you are too busy trying to stay alive to listen to what they are saying.

I don't mind doing stuff...but give me a good reason.  I destroyed 50 of Brick's Slabs for his (very poorly thought out -) initiation.  Next thing you are raising his gang's flag in zones controlled by other gangs (!?) Why!?  Gang Pride!?  Our idiots are better than your idiots because I'm doing this for them and not you...wow...maybe the Kindergarten students got off the short bus for this one.  Eventually there just seems to be no reason for anything and you kill with the same indifference as eating peanuts.  This, in itself, is kind of scary.  I'd like to get into the story.  The only person that could get into a story of moral indifference is a psychopath.  It's like trying to take a bath in an inch of water.  Then again the game is really geared for the multiplayer crowd.  I only play multiplayer if I can reach over and smack the other players if they get out of line. 

Everything mechanical in this game is top notch.  There are 4 characters to choose from.  Each character gets skill points when they level to spend on one of 3 areas of speciality and there are sub-classes even beyond that.  You can change how you play each character based on the choices.  Also... there is an easy way to reset your skill points if you want to try out a different configuration.  There are a TON of different weapons to choose from.  Each weapon has aspects that are listed about it as well as there are aspects that are not listed like; Type of sights; bullet travel time; delay; recoil.  Sometimes the best way to see if you like a firearm is to take it out in the field and try it out - be careful though - In this game, things can get real dangerous real quick.  The interface takes a little time getting used to - but it isn't too bad once you do.  Each area is like a sandbox game.  You can go explore places and get stuff; it doesn't really matter if you have a quest there or not. 

That said; don't use the Assault Rifle class.  What should be a decent class of firearm is relegated to the worst of all things; crappy magazine size, terrible recoil, shitty damage, slow reload times, and inaccurate.  Actual assault rifles are a valuable asset on the battlefield.  They often use Sniper (7.62mm Nato) ammunition...and are sure as fuck more accurate than ANY SmG and over a greater distance.  There is another problem right there.  The guys you are fighting look like they are playing paintball.  They could probably fire a howitzer one handed while jumping off a balcony and doing a barrel roll.  It's fucking ridiculous.  Some of the guns don't make sense.  One of the design is for a minigun with a breach that is 4x45 degree angles from the rotating barrels. 

Eventually everything just seems to get redundant.  The enemies get predictable.  They manage to ambush you every single time to compensate.  You keep chasing numbers with numbers like a child looking for the base of a rainbow that keeps moving away from him.  Eventually you just say "okay well I guess that's it for me".

Nevermind.  This game is a cartoon.  It doesn't make sense...but so what?  Play it for a while but make sure to stop and give your head a shake.  The logic holes in every aspect of this, even Mathew Costello could fly a hot air (appropriately) balloon through.

The magic time - Between Christmas and New Year.

There is an intangible feeling for this time of year...as I suppose all feelings are but I use the word in more of a metaphorical sense.  We are at peace and also amused (and perhaps bemused) like a harlequinn dancing whimsically between two sides of the same fence.  Our intangible thoughts on a gentle yet consistent simmer.

 

I'm reminded of 'Fomalhaut' by Montxo Algora in Heavy Metal.  December 1979.  I remember the 'Tears in the Rain' speech by Rutger Hauer in Bladerunner.  I remember having hope with Rocket packs, Martians; a brave new world.  Toward the end of a year where we realize on a deeper level that time is just a number.  The only real time is change.  We catch a glimpse of chaos...and it is grinning from ear to ear.  Taking another sip of our mulled wine - the scent of cinnamon in the air.  We are all in this together.  As long as we have life and choice we have a chance.

A Youtube Revelation

I went into the bowels of youtube to see the kind of humor that certain people enjoy.  It was the kind of brutal, violent, shock humour held in high regard by some of most detatched and unempathetic members of society.  I do feel like a bit of a hypocrite though.  I do enjoy a decent episode of Southpark here and there which has been known to have some seriously terrible toilet humor.  If that is all there was then I wouldn't watch it.  Fortunately Southpark is genius.  So I put up with the gore and shock to be rewarded with solid satire, a decent laugh and food for thought.  To me, Toilet humour is detrimental, discouraging and not all that funny.  I guess that's the difference.  So who are the people who watch this stuff exclusively? 

In a nutshell (although does not apply to about 7% of them)?

You know that thing in your drain that catches all the stuff that isn't water?  Over time it just gets nastier and happens to attract other scum that just seems drawn to it until your drain is clogged?

Well that is the 'Toilet Humour' subscriber.

'Psychicpebbles' makes a series of videos aimed at appealing to certain tastes in comedy.  As a young man making high-quality videos, although the content is garbage humour, this is quite a feat.  He is exploiting a tool so as to gain viewers in order to make money.  Why not?  Popularity gained from providing simple things to simple people makes perfect sense.  With a minimal amount of creativity, you can reap massive rewards.  Does it take a comedic genius to make a cartoon showing old women's faces getting ripped off or them being baked alive? 

What it takes is a desire for money and a disturbing lack of empathy.  An audience that appreciates this type of humour has no empathy as well.  I walked in on over a million psychopaths.  That's fucking scary.
 
The idiots in question are the Psychicpebbles fan base.  They are almost like religious zealots in their passion to defend this crap as the best humor on earth.  They will use their words like bullets in order to barrage any detractor and are completely immune to reason.  Actually 'Bullets' is a faulty analogy as in implies swiftness and the ability to strike to the heart of the matter.  Perhaps a more accurate analogy would be lemmings who bash their soft, yet many heads against the stone wall of reason.  As long as there are more lemmings, their brain damaged viewpoint makes them think they are winning.

They do not even see the paradox of  "wouldn't be so funny if it happened to you".  You flame one for an ignorant or threatening comment which shuts him up and 5 more see the flame and figure you are being a jerk.  Eventually you realize that no one is going to listen to your point of view as they have become the Internet version of a 'Gang'.  Individually quite weak, they attack single people with the advantage of numbers.  In the midst of this, I got Psychicpebbles himself to stick his own foot in his mouth...and pointed it out to him and 200 others who applauded both sides of his contradictory statements.  Mission Accomplished.  That was the original viewpoint that got me after him in the first place. 

But if a point falls in a forest of morons...will anyone get it?  They say they don't but who knows?
 
I went back to my usual stuff.  A live rendition of Blind Faith singing 'Can't find my way home' for the first time in Hyde park 1969.  There I found the people I wanted to be with.  No anger. No sarcasm.  No antipathy.  I shed the dealings of the last few days with one saying from that channel:
If it's heavy ... put it down (Thanks Brother).

Painkiller - Black Edition

So for $10 on Steam...you can't go wrong, right?  Well...actually you can. 

I'm a fan of Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw.  He is a Online game critic.  He is good in his own way.  Though extremely opinionated to the point of ridiculing those that would have differing personal preferences.  He does so with a wonderful creative wit, humor and passion.  I enjoy listening to him and watching the animations he puts together.  Yet as much as I enjoy these reviews he puts together, sometimes he is just plain...not objective enough.  Like most young people...he thinks that his point of view is the only one anyone should ever have unless they are stupid.  With a passion and the wit to back it up, it makes you presume that he is right...but that is the point about opinion; it actually comes right down to individual preference.  For instance...Yahtzee did not like the fact that RAGE had both an FPS and Driving elements in one game; I fucking LOVED it!

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation?page=2

First Person Shooters (FPS) range from:

     'Tom Clancy': Where the enemies and you can be put down with one shot.  Reloads happen often with these type of games.  Realistic damage.

To:

   'Serious Sam' Where waves of enemies run at you and you mow them down with a truck load of ordinance and ammo and you take about as much damage to kill as an Abrams M1 with regenertative capabilities. 


Yahtzee despises 'Cover based Shooters'.  He wants his FPS to be a rocket jumping, circle strafing, action packed hop a thon.  Fine for him.  I don't mind it either...some times.  I do prefer the battlefield series...which is more about tactics and strategy and less about hopping and reflexes.  Each to his own.  Of course my 20 something is trying to get me to say:  "Yeah I prefer thinking to just running and jumping like a Fairy.  Maybe you should take up Ballet and forget gaming all together." 

Moving right along.  One of Yahtzee's favorite FPS is Painkiller.  I looked it up on Steam and picked it up for $10.  What the hell.  Driver:San Francisco sucked ass (his recommendation)...maybe Painkiller will be better.

The beginning levels were grey and dull and the AI was unimaginative.  There is no intro or explanation about any of how to play or what anything does for you.  You pretty much have to figure it out on your own.  You kill demons and collect their souls.  With enough souls, you turn into a really nasty demon yourself...if you are lucky, there is someone left to kill at this point.  Hit the tab key you see a summary of the level.  At the bottom there is a condition that, upon fulfilling it, you get a card.  There are 2 types of cards.  Silver cards are active all the time if they occupy the center area.  You can drag and drop them to the center area.  That makes them active.  Gold cards can be used all at once (once per level) in the game if they are in the center area.  Yeah...not tutorial - however rudementary was put in.  You play the game...kill stuff and say 'What are those glowing things'. 
 
It almost seemed like the levels get better and better as you play it.  Almost like the designers were learning as they went along that they didn't have to make shit-brown caves.  So about the 'Train Station' I'm getting to feeling pretty good.  "Not a bad game" I thought.  Decent music.  Enough strategy to keep my mind occupied.  Then...>Crash<.  Oh well...that was an aberation.  I'll restart it and everything will be right as rain.  Ok...got this got that.  No souls captured as per the requirements to get a card this level...I better save >Crash<.  Looked it up online.  Oh!  You can't get past the Train Station on a PC...unless >this<.  Oh...so I do >this<...>Crash<.  Eventually you say to yourself "Do I really want to spend my time fixing this thing or having fun"

Point is:  The game is unstable.  In all the years it has been out, this issue has not been corrected and it probably won't be now.  Don't get me wrong 'People Can Fly' (the company that put this out) did a pretty good job for a couple of guys in some basement in Poland...but it lacks support and polish (groan) that a big name company would provide.

So basically Painkiller IS a decent game.  The music is decent hard rock (I like that).  It's like dancing with guns.  Strategy...you have to think on your feet sometimes...I like that.  The AI is a little predictable and I didn't care for the 'We made a game...use the 'REadme.txt. to know how to play it' (what...is this the '80s?).  The early levels were plain and boring...which is just plain stupid because you want at least >those< levels to be the most exciting so the player gets into the game.  The production smacked of a spaghetti programmer with a limp wristed effort towards the finish like a car washer that happily suds up your car and leaves it that way because he doesn't like rinsing.

It's with much disappointment that I give Painkiller a 2.5/10.  -4 points for being unfinishable.  It would have been a 6.5.  It's worth $10 but nothing more.  Now if I saw more of the game past the Train Station...it might have changed my opinion....

Do you ever get that 'Alone in a crowded room' feeling?

 

 

Being alone is less lonely than to be in a room full of people who don't talk to you.  Why don't they talk to you?  One of many reasons: 

   1. They are not your tribe (I coined this phrase too - originally - when I was doing acting and thought those people were my tribe).  When people don't get you...they don't even begin to know what to say to you.  Your 'Tribe' is the one that 'Gets' you.   Save yourself the hassle of trying to fit into where you absolutely do not.  You will either compromise who you are or feel inferior to those around you - either way - it is not acceptable.

   2. Congratulations...you have politicians.  My sister was born in the year of the rat and I couldn't think of a better sign for her...well...maybe a sign AT her.  If she had an 'Audience' she could say any one of her random theories based on solid conjecture... or the logic: if x=1 then w+x+y+z = 1 where w+y+z have values but they are not known.  Think about it...we all do it to some degree.  The probability of doing it is actually inversely proportionate to your insecurity (because fear makes you judge quickly).  Previously I've talked about how having insecurity makes the need for control more pressing.  Social politics is all about power.  If these people can't find the buttons...it freaks them the fuck out and you stay on the outside.  In other words; this is not your shit...it is theirs.  Believe me.

   3. General fear.  In decades earlier, people would talk to each other on the bus or where ever they found each other with random abandon.  Having a conversation with a stranger was normal.  Now the idea that anyone could be a freak or weirdo has people not making eye contact and dropping the conversation ball from strangers like it was hot.  I feel it too.  The last time someone came up to me with a friendly disposition and tried to engage me in conversation, they told me that their family had been stranded and he was trying to raise enough money to get them back to Langely.  Oh...where is your family?  Oh...invisible in an empty parking lot...I see them now.  In other words, he was a drug addict.  Then I'm walking down the street and a woman looks at me like I'm going to attack her.  Well...then again...I do live across the street from the Elizabeth Fry Society.

So, in conclusion, there are many reasons that you feel alone in a crowded room.  With fear comes insecurity and politics.  When people don't know who you are, they don't feel comfortable around you.  Be also compassionate.  It is the time where people are worried about their own future and their own issues.  People are hurting.  When people are hurt they get egocentric.  It's just the nature of the beast. 

Be well people

New Sayings

This too is as inconsequential as a grain of salt on the ocean

RIP Amanda Todd

You know why bullies exist?  Because our mating rituals are flawed.  You marry a meat-head because he can 'hold his own' in a fight?  Sort of like marrying a steel lamp post because 'he could really take a punch'.  You don't get the 'Sensitive' with the 'Insensitive'.  There is a view that the bully is a stronger person...because they are more willing to fight?  I've met enough people to know that the excuse they are more willing to fight for can be as varied as the individual but with one common denominator: Insecurity. 

Some of the most insecure people are more willing to fight.  These include people who have lived on the street.  Some have been in the prison system.  Some have grown up in rough neighborhoods possibly in foster homes.  The rage to get into a fight is actually a secondary response...the first is fear.  The fear comes from the idea that they are losing control.  This is not to be trifled with.  You might beat them in a fight but they will come back at you with a gun or a knife.  There is nothing more dangerous than a cornered animal.  In situations where you absolutely have no trust in the people and situations around you, power is the only thing you can strive for.  They find a partner and the first thing they HAVE to know about them is 'Which buttons to press'.  The problem is that if you behave like this, those who are closest to you will 'Learn' from your example and not trust you, or anyone else.   Hence the bully is born. 

Sometimes the lack of trust goes so deep but the 'Feral reaction' has not taken hold.  This is the worst for the fear of fighting.  You do not trust other people enough that you will not be seriously hurt.  The fear that if they get the upper hand, they will keep hitting until you are maimed or dead.  But that is a topic for another time.

A bully sees a sensitive person like Amanda Todd.  They go:

 "Hey! Why the fuck can she be sensitive!  Lets go take control away from her (like I've had done to me) and see how she handles it.  Maybe she knows something I don't.  (...and that way I don't have to be such an insecure douchebag all the time)" -Part Jealousy...part curiousity.  Believe it or not.

When it comes to bullies...a little punch goes a long ways.  Just show them that you are willing to fight and that you can take a punch and give it back.  If it looks like you are against a group; look for the one calling the shots and challenge them directly by saying 'What...you too chicken shit to take me on alone?'  That will give you, at least, a decent chance.  So maybe fighting isn't your thing.  Do it mafia style.  Give the toughest kid in school $100 to kick the crap out of this person for you.  If people say you were a wimp for not taking care of it yourself...just say that you are playing to your strengths and covering the other bases. They walk away scratching their heads since their 'Super-ego dialogue' does not have any contingency for variation.  If they say they will do the same to you... just say 'I didn't start this but I will finish it if I have to'.  You might have to take a few punches and lay down a few more C-notes but they will get the message.
 
My question about this whole 'Amanda Todd' fiasco is 'where were the parents?'  I'm sorry...your daughter is having an actual meltdown.  She needs for YOU to tell her:  That she is important.   That bullies are idiots.  That you love her.  and Give her a hug.

This beautiful, sensitive person didn't have to die.   If I had known her plight, I would have tried to help.  But I'm sure a lot of us are feeling that way. 

...and to the pedophile that tried to get 'a private sex show' that started the distribution of her pictures: You need to set this right.  Donate all your stuff to the parents of this child - with a letter of apology - then end it.  

Omygosh! John Kinosh

 

The man on the left is a fucking idiot.  US Marines Gunnery Sergeant John Kinosh (though in court they refered to him as 'Adam').   This cab driver was going to save him some money by picking up another fare going the same way.  John was drunk and stupid and in the heat of his own paranoid delusion of what was transpiring literally smashed the cab drivers face in.  The misperception being that the cab driver was trying to scam John out of his money.  Unaware that he was being recorded on tape until 6 days after the fact.  A week after the fact he checked himself into a (unnamed) 'Mental Health Treatment Facility'.   'Oooo...looks like I'm in trouble ... I better go pretend to get help for my being a total fucking retard'.  (oh...nice tattoos)

What beats my ass are all the people who say how he was a combat veteran and that we should be compassionate.   Okay...if he was a combat veteran then he would know how to stay cool under preassure.  The mark of a soldier is being able to think even though someone is trying to blow your head off.  Either all he REALLY wanted to do was to hurt this meek cab driver (Hawkesworth) to get his rocks off or he's a loose fucking cannon that shouldn't be ANYWHERE NEAR a combat situation. 

Hawkesworth had two titanium plates inserted into his cheekbone and under his eye socket on Sept. 13.  - Jacksonville Daily News

I've been exposed to the military long enough to know that there are two types that go for this kind of life; The noble and the bullies (same with cops).  I don't have a problem with the noble.  When they get home the struggle is more internal and I fully support rehabilitation.  The bullies nurture their new, more viscious, selves.  In past wars, former combat soldiers would return home and be a terror.  Rates of murders and suicides involving ex-servicemen would drastically increase.  It's really fucking hard to go from Hero (with bullets flying everywhere) to Zero (Run of the Mill everyday life).  I get it.  Take up Skydiving.  Take up Boxing.  Take up Spelunking.  You can get your adrenaline fix without having to hurt other people...unless...UNLESS...you want to.   If you want to hurt people then you are no different than anyone else that wants to hurt people...a criminal.  

Seriously...this is 'Aggravated Assault'.  2 Titanium plates ... in his FACE?  There's no excuse for it. 
 
I saw a video clip earlier of John (or Adam) Kinosh running away from reporters with his lawyer.  Tried to do a search on it and found this picture instead:

Claudia Sampedro

 

My verbal rampage was diverted by a clever Marine diversionary tactic.  Or at least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  Have a good one Everybody! :)

 

Survivor - Philippines

Well the Summer dramathon of Hell's kitchen is over and Survivor has started up with a fresh batch of faces and drama for our arm-chair sociological pleasure.   Dividing into 3 tribes will, hopefully, manage the voting domination factor (where one tribe with the majority after merge votes out members of the former opposing tribe).  Even now the producers of the show strive to keep things interesting...into the 25 season.

Unfortunately one tribe ( Matsing) seems to be plunging hard.  These poor bastards were given 2 princess's and a very recent former smoker. 

-----

The first princess was a beauty queen from Utah: Angie Layton; Miss Teen Utah 2010.  She's 20.

  I've heard a lot of people describe her as a 'Dumb Blonde'.  I don't agree.  I believe she's open and perhaps a little too naiive.  She has a fresh, bright mind...she just needs to put more stuff into it.  In the challenges she doesn't reach deep down enough and attack it like some do.  Phoning it in will get you voted out.  It hasn't happened yet but She's now on a team of 4 with the other 2 teams having 6 players. 

Roxy blabbed that she was cuddling with Malcolm making the other team members nervous about an alliance.  Really?  It's too early to worry about alliances.  For this tribe it's all about survival.  If they vote someone else out then Barbie doll is history or the tribe would be -quite literally; too stupid to survive. 

-----

The second princess' name is Roxy Morris.  She was voted out this week.  I don't mind being around religious people...generally.  Usually they are slightly nicer than the average bear enough to put up with an occational bible thumping here and there.  Some of the nicest people I've ever met have been of 'Faith' (Christian, Budhist) ...but then again...some of the most aggressive (both passive and not so passive) ... but that's another story.  

Anyways, our princess wakes up in the night to find that Angie and a fellow team member, a 25 year old man named Malcolm, were cuddling...initiated by Angie.  OH MY GOD!  THEY AREN'T EVEN MARRIED! 

 

Oh...I'm sorry.  When a 20 year old former Miss Teen Utah offers to cuddle with you on a cold night; it's a little hard to say 'no'.  To be honest, Malcolm showed great restraint. 

Anyway Roxy the Bible thumper was crying in the rain about the rain.  When it did stop raining she was praying to God and speeking in Tongues.  Her trying to get the team to vote out Angie to break up the obvious friendship had backfired because she was such a wack-a-doodle that even Russ, her supposed ally, shook his head and said 'enough'. 

When she said 'Goodbye' to the team with the words 'God Bless you all' or something ...the way it was delivered you could have replaced the words with 'You can all go fuck yourselves' and it would have seemed about right. 

-----

The very recently former smoker:  A fellow by the name of Zane Knight was voted out from this team the previous week.  Quitting smoking is hard.  Zane had a good idea that he would stop smoking at the same time as he started Survivor.  The problem is your body is working overtime to survive and fight the effects of withdrawal.  That's a hell of a burden to put on your heart.  He was dragging the team down during one of the challenges.  Deciding to take the opportunity to flush out what the team was thinking he went on the option to say that he had failed the team and would be the logical choice to get voted out.  Figuring his honesty would be his saving grace as everyone was already fixated on voting off Russell (for being bossy with no real leadership skills).  He underestimated his own ability to sell his initial point...and was promptly voted off. 

 

I've always run across smart people who think they are more intelligent than they actually are but the only dumb people I find that think they are actually smart are the ones with tattoos.  Why would you put something on your body that would be too tacky to put on your wall?   Anyway...the Tattoo tirade is for another time.

 

RAGE by ID

Here is the kicker about RAGE:

The Code was made excellent by old time 'C' Programmer wiz and one of ID's founding members: John Carmack.   His crew was outstanding.  You get solid frame rates and it rarely crashes.  Realistic lighting and details that were made more believable by the smoothness.  The AI for the opponents varied from group to group...and was solid to the point where it allowed for characteristic idiosyncratic behavior without sacrificing effectiveness.  (In other words each group acted unique and was still a challenge)

The Artwork was fine.  Nothing wrong.  Each 'Dungeon' was uniquely crafted to reflect the inhabitants.  No copy and paste here.  The shanty towns and settlements...perfectly suited for what they were.  All of the virtual world here...I can't complain about any of it.  It really is amazing that they could create virtual art of such high quality.  This really is where science and art come together.

The gameplay:  No problem.  Early in the game, you get to choose one kind of suit that you will wear for the rest of the game.  In the future...no one can do your laundry.  The 'Suit' represents your life choice:  You could get discounts at the stores, better protection, or be really good at making the various engineered items.  As far as replay value with different choices, it isn't 'Deus Ex'  or one of the other Bethesda RPG type games.   You don't load up the story and feel that you are in an elaborate tube with a 'Beginning and End'.  There is the main story but there are a ton of side missions that you really should do or you will run out of money pronto.  Indeed there is no coasting on your check book.  Money is easy to spend and hard to get...the way it should be.   You don't bog down like you would in many Bethesda games.  When you pick something up off a shelf, you take everything off the shelf.  Stuff that is pure monetary value alone gets thrown on a 'You can sell this... because that is all it is worth' pile.  Useful stuff has an icon to represent itself as such.  Selling stuff happens in a few seconds...making stuff is fast with the Engineer interface (I wish they had this for Fallout - New Vegas).  You can carry a ton of stuff and a ton of weapons because someone figured that a game should be FUN...not an excercise in Inventory Management.  Bethesda!? About fricking time!  How many hours sorting between Gummy Bears and Gum Wrappers is only fun for the OCD.   Driving?  Well...if you die in a race, you come back to life seconds later alive and well and with a car in full health.  NPC racers do the same thing.  You get the feeling you are playing a computer game rather than driving an actual race and it breaks your immersion. 

The voice acting?  Can't complain.  Among the talent is John Goodman and J Grant Albrecht.  Well articulated and natural given the characters.  The lines were a little cartoon like but that wasn't the fault of the talent.

So...The Artwork is professionally exquisite.  The coding is tight.  The gameplay is smooth and balanced.  The AI is challenging and eclectic. The voice acting is superb.  What is wrong!?

 

Your honor, I give you exhibit 'A'

 

Matthew Costello couldn't write his way out of a wet paper bag in the rain.  Lets look at the facts, shall we? 

 

The plot to RAGE:  

1) "The 'Authority' is bad"
                                 
2) There is money for turning you into them.
                                 
3)  If you are useful then no one will turn you in.
                                 
4) You are being too useful; The Authority has noticed and you have to leave
                                 
5) Repeat

"Bandits are bad".  They are lawless scum who prey on civilized folk...and their numbers seem to be out of control "It's pretty much their world".   "The Authority" are officious scum who seek to control everything with an iron fist.  Okay Matt...is it global lawlessness with islands of civility, or global oppression by a totalitarian state?  "Both" is not really an option. 

Despite having servo-prosthetics and nano technology, preserving digital images must have been destroyed in "the big bang" because the "Authority" never knows what you look like, despite having run into them over and over again.  Perhaps they should covet the technology JK Stiles is using to record his shows...and maybe steal broadcast technology from him as well.  In other words, you could drive a 747 through this plot hole. 

Accents seem to vary with different bandit groups.  Distinctively British, Russian, First Nation and American within a short distance from each other.  It's fun but...it doesn't make sense. 

In Half-life 2, you got a real sense that the combine was an oppressive force.  They made a huge effort to let you know how people felt about them as well as what they did to earn the hatred and fear they invoked.  In Rage, people tell you that the "Authority" is bad.  You are "Told" not "Shown".  Maybe, near the end, some effort was made...but it could also be construed that they were peace keepers who's members were targeted and the trail led them to the town you were operating from.  There was no expression of fear and no scripting.  It was more like anger and frustration like a tax auditor showing up. 
 
With so many holes, the meat of the game is...Tofu.  It's anemic.  The worst part about it is that everything other than the story is clearly great. 

  

...and now for the exciting conclusion;  Go to this ark (elaborate cryo sleeping device - one of many).  Captain Marshall gets the bit of information from this cryo chamber and says quite literally 'This information is quite simply THE KEY TO EVERYTHING'.  Whoa! DEUS EX MACHINA!  I guess writing this masterpiece turned out to be a little too taxing for our writer and he needed ONE way to wrap it all up.

...Another time you squatted down and crapped out the Crown Jewels was when you brought some toxin the 'Ghost' clan was using to poison Wellspring's water supply to Dr Kvasir.  Who exclaimed Eureka! as this random mixture of toxins somehow completes the Kvasir's Nanotrite weapon which causes the exponential growth of nanites in a host.  Wow.  At this point I have to wonder if the writer is actually trying to be ridiculous.  Oddly enough, he describes the failure of the weapon before the "new discovery" as being exactly what the weapon does AFTER. 

With this information, you slip into 'Authority' central...(the people who are in charge if you haven't guessed) and use their satelite communication system to wake up every inhabitant of EVERY ark on the planet where there is someone standing by to say:  "The Authority is bad." 

 

This is a turkey dinner with all the trimmings served on a shit platter.  It would be a 10/10 with a decent story but the plot and story were so bad that it actually lost 3 full points.  I couldn't actually find a really good picture of Matthew Costello...but if I got paid good money to write shit this bad?  I wouldn't want anyone to see my picture either.  (7/10)

Fallout New Vegas - Honest Hearts (3 out of 10)

Okay well...I stood there looking up the reviews for this game and found them all seemingly written by those who were in league with those who MADE IT.  This DLC is the most deceptively annoying expansion that has ever existed for a game. 

First thing is that you walk in and the caravan you were escorting is shot up by a tribe called the 'White legs'.  You fend them off and are the sole survivor.  This is a good way to start.  Looking out you see the magnificent landscape stretched out before you.  Perfect.  You are thinking 'I have barely started this and I'm REALLY liking it'.  Your first follower ambushes one of the last 'White legs' to get a shot on you.  His name is 'Follows-Chalk'.   He becomes your follower and takes you to see the 'Burned man': Joshua Graham.  'Holy Shit!' you exclaim 'I get to see the man himself!'.   You meet Joshua and find that he is an exceptional man, very religious, knows his guns, and leads the Dead Horse tribe.   Yeah.  Oh...he's also a vendor.   I can't help but think that the opportunity for a marvelous story got flushed straight down the shitter.  What would have been better?  Well okay... how about this.  Cut scene...Caesar throwing a burning Joshua down a cliff.  You get to play one of the people who rescued Joshua...or maybe Joshua himself.  You play a tribal with say 100 in Survival as you scramble to find ingredients that will make various Holistic medication in order to stablize his condition.  This would be player controlled (obviously) but with a different skin and skills.  Eventually Joshua is saved and returned.  But we get to experience what he went through.  That is right off the top of my head. 

The missions are firstly:  Go here...go there... get stuff...take it to this other guy up North.   

About 10 minutes into the game, you have heard everything FC says at least twice.  He doesn't just say sentences...but whole paragraphs...about 3 of them that he says every 15-30 seconds or so.   About 15 minutes into the story you just want to turn around and tell him to 'Shut the fuck up!'.  After 20 minutes this guy is the verbal version of Chinese water torture...his words burrowing a hole in my brain.   The 'Grand Vista!' is suddenly not so special as you realize getting around it is consuming a lot of time with not the proportionate amount of entertainment value...in other words; shit gets old fast.  The white legs pop literally out of the woodwork to ambush you.  I had 100 sneak and 10 perception and the only way you aren't jumped is when you sneak around everywhere ... slowing the game down to a crawl...and you will rarely find them first.  Eventually you say 'Let them attack first ... I don't care; as FC tells you about his opinion on gambling for the 50th time.    Fortunately you can dismiss your companions.  Do it!  You can stand on a mountain top overlooking one of the very few enjoyable qualities of the game much better without some idiot babbling on and on and on with the New Vegas version of that idiot from Fallout 3 with the party hat.  What blows me away is they put that in the game without actually catching it as a self pop-cultural satire - what the Fallout series is actually known for.  Wow...someone was sleeping.  I guess 'Beta-testers' weren't in the budget. 

  This game just loves traps.  You will find bear traps and trip wires EVERYWHERE;   mostly in a series of caves sprinkled all over the place where an actual GOOD STORY exist in the logs of VARIOUS COMPUTERS.   Finding those caves sucks out an even greater proportion of enthusiasm for playing the game...but there is a good story there.  The traps in these caves are often well hidden.  You will most likely trip a dozen or so during your travels.  You could probably find them all if you SLOW DOWN EVEN MORE!  (Ooo...feel that boredom seeping into your pores!).  The Story (a simple written series of log entries - not even audible) is like a reward system for putting up with the pain of monotony.  To reflect this, one needs to take out a really good book and a hammer.  At the beginning of every chapter, take the hammer and hit yourself in the thumb then say the words 'I reward myself for putting up with this pain by reading a chapter'.  There is only two types of games that use reward systems.  MMORPG's and MFRBG's (the 'RB' stands for 'Really Bad'; I'll let you figure the rest out on your own).  As a higher level character, your less than 'kick ass' weapons suddenly shoot 'Jello Shots' on the 'white legs' who eventually get wobbly and fall down if you give them enough.  Actually, scratch that, if you did use 'Jello Shots' you actually might get a reaction from them.  Apparently just getting shot in the head isn't enough to have thes guys even look at you sometimes or even reach toward the affected area and say 'Ow...my head hurts'.  That's right!  It's the 'Rhino Hide' version of gaming we come to know and love from Bioshock.  And you can shoot 19 rounds of 10mm pistol rounds into their heads and the 20th one causes their heads to explode like they were hit in the eye with a .50 cal. Rifle round.  This and many more annoyingly unrealistic qualities make immersion impossible.

I just don't fucking get this.  If you are going to spend 10 000 man hours coding a game...why not spend 10 hours on a decent story for it??? 

If you like the views in this game?  Get the fuck out of your home and go to Zion National Park in Utah (Yes it is a real place).  You will fucking love it. 

All actors are whores...?

Well...consider this;  You call up the local Professional sex worker saying that you might have work for her but she needs to 'Audition' (\click).  You tell her that there are only a few people vying for this bit of work and that she has a good chance to get it.  Once she gets to the reception, however, she realizes that there are more than 300 people being scrutinized for this test (\leave).   She gets to the audition room and there are 10 people in attendence all of them so-called 'experts' and none of them older than 26 (\leave).  In front of these strangers, the client tells the professional that she needs to reach inside her and pull out the most painful memory that she has and display it for the room (\kickhisballssohardthathiseyeballspopoutandarereplacedbytesticles).  Once she has this memory, she needs to read words that should practically be written in crayon to reflect the stupidity of the writer.
Half-way through reading this script, some emotionally detatched fag (and I don't mean homosexual) yells 'NEXT'.

A Professional sex worker wouldn't put up with what an actor does on a regular basis.  So is an actor a whore?  Hey...watch what you say about whores.