I REALLY hate Agam Darshi (I repeat for emphasis)

I watched an episode of Sanctuary with Agam Darshi in some kind of 'Super Suit'.   I guess the powers that be decided that it was good for ratings to have Agam show her 32 - 28 - 30  figure in all of its spectacular curvy glory.  The suit featured an ample cleavage area where you could clearly see it in its absence.  Well, being Canadian, we all like our maple syrup and pancakes.  

Perhaps I'm being too harsh on Agam Darshi and her minions in the film industry that keep finding this hack jobs to chew on.   Normally if I criticize this hard, I know that there will be people that will say "Lets see you do a better job of (blank) than (him, her, it, they, whatever)"...to which I would reply "If that was my job, I would hope to do better than the bottom 10%, yes"; However, with Agam...I can promise you that I could act better than her if you woke me up after a 7 day binge with one hour of sleep.  Actually...don't even wake me up.  "So why aren't you working as an actor?"  My detractors would query.  I don't know.  Possibly because I'm not a woman that looks like a 13 year old boy.  Possibly because I don't have connections.  Possibly because I'm old and ugly.  Possibly because I don't have a piece of paper that tells others I can act well.  Okay...lets see the "accredited" institution that said Agam can act (and this is quoted directly from her IMDB Bio):

"Agam studied Theater and Fine Arts at the University of Calgary and earned a degree and photography"

Oh...she's a photographer.   I "Studied" architecture and law at my school...it doesn't mean I'm an architect or a lawyer.  Perhaps they forgot to give her English 101; "...and photography..." should read "...IN photography".  Although it would be pretty clever if you just want "In" and don't care how you get there.   Also...you don't get a degree in "Photography"!!!   She got a BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts) That's it!  My sister got one of those as well.  Maybe I should go tell her that she is an actress now.

Oh...looking closer...she did "Minor" in "Theatre"...to which I would say "Very".

But wait...there's more!

"Agam is also a writer, artist, screenwriter, graphic-designer and producer and has written numerous plays and has worked on several film scripts, two of them are her independent films. As well as acting, in her spare time Agam loves to backpack and has already backpacked through Europe and Australia."

Yes! When she isn't "Writing"..."making art"..."Screenwriting"... "Graphic-designing"...if she has some spare time...she will do some "Acting" .... when she isn't backpacking around Europe and Australia ... or pulling weeds... doing dishes... or washing her hair.  Yes...because any idiot can act without much effort.  Acting doesn't even take any effort to those who are naturally gifted in not only acting but SO MANY other aspects of visual and written art.  MY GOD! Agam Darshi IS TO ART as EINSTEIN was to SCIENCE! Except much more DIVERSE.

"...Acting in her spare time..."
 
Says it all, doesn't it? 

Coyote Ugly? Maybe Coyote Stupid

I've been in Vegas this last week.  It has been hit or miss on most things but usually a good time.  I went partying around with this self proclaimed 'party animal' and my wife who knew him from work.  The evening was going great.  We stopped in to Twin Peaks for some tasty food.  Originally we were going to go to "Hooters' which was full of beautfiul women in fetching outfits, but the line-up was causing us to lose patience.  Our friend was going to go to "Coyote Ugly" that evening and was attempting to get us to come along.  The drinks were flowing and our host was being quite charming with one of the servers.  Twin Peaks was full of beautiful women in outfits that looked like Lara Croft with Lumber jack red and black half-tops.  We gambled for a bit.  Grabbed a free drink.  We went upstairs in 'New York, New York' got a revitalization treatment by a charming and beautiful lady by the name of Jasmine.  Aromatherapy and massage with some electrodes, oxygen...it felt like getting a tune up to your energy levels.  We mentioned that we may be checking out 'Coyote Ugly'.  Jasmine ran out and got us 3 coupons.  We saw the line-up to Coyote Ugly.  Several bouncers and a line made it look like a major attraction on that Friday night.  We couldn't see what was inside but, with that kind of line and security, it HAD to be good.  Our friend had left early to get his place in line.  He came back and told us to come in right away.  He bulleted on ahead and I had to convince the bouncers that I was with "The big guy who just came in".  I wasn't sure where he was but that we would find him soon.  Shannon was just wrapping up and she would be in shortly. 

Earlier in the day I had gone Casino hopping.  I wanted to see the architecture and the layout...the attractions, and (to be honest) I wanted to see the most fetching server girl outfits.  To that extent, I found that the Paris Casino Server outfirts took the edge over Planet Hollywood.  Maybe it was my preference for curvier women that tipped the scales.  It wasn't the best test.  Despite the time I was there, I hadn't even gotten to half of the Casinos on the strip.  

Anyways, getting back to 'Coyote Ugly'.  My buddy's enthusiasm made me think that this was going to be the most amazing experience.  Walking in, I could see the bar...it was 20 feet away through a wall of people... and mostly male people.  The darkened room looked like it was 25 feet across and about 50 feet long with 5 of the scrawniest women you could imagine (fully clothed) dancing on the bar and telling you how glad you *SHOULD be to be there.  My buddy was somewhere.  My best guess is that he plowed through to the bar.  These weren't my kind of women.  If they had more curves and better outfits...and there were less people there, that would have been better.  But no amount of them telling me how glad I should have been to be there was going to make it so.  It took 5 minutes to make up my mind to leave.  So I intercepted Shannon before she wasted the cover to get in.  We went back to gambling...had a drink and called it a night.  So much hype in Vegas.  You really have to separate the 'Big because it's substantial' versus the 'Big because we have Big media telling you so'.  Coyote Ugly was fucking stupid.  Don't wast your time and money.   You have to sit and wonder how much of Vegas is this kind of fucking bullshit. 

Agam Darshi SUCKS!!!

Oh that felt good.  No holding it back.  No mincing of words.  I think I'll put that on a T-Shirt.  I saw a performance today that would make an 8th grade drama teacher /Facepalm.  I had Sanctuary on the tele.  Wasn't watching it much but I did catch a performance so bad that I had to actually leave the room in disgust.  Agam Darshi played a person who defied a gun toating antagonist with not just the same believeable passion that we've come to expect from actors who have traded on their looks and sex appeal.  She surpassed expectations and gave a performance that would make everyday 3rd graders think they were child prodigies by comparison.  She actually looked...and sounded...like she was reading the lines right off of the antagonist's face; mumbled with the same passion as one would have ordering a pizza.

Back in the day, actors had something called "Charisma".  It is due to the fact that a lot of Production jobs these days are 'Inherited' from relatives.  Giving the jobs to the unworthy is a good way to make a shitty product.  Now "Charisma" was somehow interpreted to meaning: "Good Looking" despite having the personality of wet sandpaper.  Actors would act a part.  Their lines would reflect that part and each would affect progress through a plot.  Now it's like an actor reads one part...and another actor reads another part...and you could have the first actor read ALL parts for the fact that every single one of the characters is almost completely homogenous.  Is this a sign of the times?  Flat characters for a flat audience?   Has our obsession for computers made us all dull as shit... so our TV protagonists must reflect that?

I don't think so.  In other media, heroes are supersized and well defined.  TV has just gotten stale.  Too many hacks from the hand-me-down jobs from the boomers to the boomlets.  Where ever you find the passion, you will find the true artists.  Right now the talent is in the voice actors and game designers...the game artists.  Not all but proportionately...Computer Games are kicking the fuck out of TV right now.  Advertisers are beginning to realize this as well. 

Maybe these lifeless, good looking actors can find other jobs where their lack of emotion would be of benefit..."Human Mannequin"???

Borderlands 2 - A Game Review

I never played the first Borderlands so I am judging #2 based solely on its own merrits.  I've never seen a game so well put together with such a stupid story.  The main antagonist is one "Handsome Jack".  He calls you up to mock you from time to time.  Despite being an amoral jerk to everyone around him in a world filled with guns, no one sees fit to put a bullet to the back of his head. 

Your first encounter is with a robot named "Clap Trap".  This character is about as annoying as an eight year old hyperactive kid with 2 shots of vodka and a pound of chocolate.  The game refers to him as annoying but does nothing about it.  It's part of a joke:  The new humour.  You see back in the old days there was this thing called "funny".  You would actually laugh at something because it was "funny" (not because it's awkward or embarrassing or disgusting or sarcastic while bean-counters like Will Ferrell augment this with bulgy eyes and overreaction).  See the kids now think that instead of telling a joke and ending with a good solid punch line - You say what appears to be a joke but instead of actually saying a punch line, you just look at your audience nervously and let the awkwardness of the moment soak right in.  Well this game is replete with this stupidity.  They are targetting their demographic.  I'm not saying I blame them but I think they kind of sold out.  I find it ironic that a game of superior quailty like this could acquiesce to humour and story of such lazy indifference.

There is one point in the story where you have to cross a bridge to continue.  Well "Brick" who is "King of the Slabs" has an idea.  There is this fortress nearby but the only way you are getting up is to piss off the man in charge so he takes the elevator down.  So you cross the map...blow up his Gyrocopter.  You go back (fighting all the way).  He comes down.  You kill him and take the elevator up.  Now on the platform, you mark a bunch of explosives for pickup by Brick's Slab Gyrocopters who fly the explosives to the bridge...blow up the obstruction and now the bridge can be crossed.

Uh...couldn't the gyrocopters have taken me across the span without any of this other bullshit - especially considering time is of the essence?  Who came up with the idea for this?  A committee from the local kindergarten???  

Your pals (who also happen to be the protagonists from the first Borderlands) nag at you constantly to do stuff...their stuff.  The supersized graphical intro doesn't seem so action packed when all they say is "I need you to do something for me (I'm too busy standing here looking cool to do it myself)".
Somehow when they get really pissy in their nagging, it also happens to be when the action heats up as well...and you are too busy trying to stay alive to listen to what they are saying.

I don't mind doing stuff...but give me a good reason.  I destroyed 50 of Brick's Slabs for his (very poorly thought out -) initiation.  Next thing you are raising his gang's flag in zones controlled by other gangs (!?) Why!?  Gang Pride!?  Our idiots are better than your idiots because I'm doing this for them and not you...wow...maybe the Kindergarten students got off the short bus for this one.  Eventually there just seems to be no reason for anything and you kill with the same indifference as eating peanuts.  This, in itself, is kind of scary.  I'd like to get into the story.  The only person that could get into a story of moral indifference is a psychopath.  It's like trying to take a bath in an inch of water.  Then again the game is really geared for the multiplayer crowd.  I only play multiplayer if I can reach over and smack the other players if they get out of line. 

Everything mechanical in this game is top notch.  There are 4 characters to choose from.  Each character gets skill points when they level to spend on one of 3 areas of speciality and there are sub-classes even beyond that.  You can change how you play each character based on the choices.  Also... there is an easy way to reset your skill points if you want to try out a different configuration.  There are a TON of different weapons to choose from.  Each weapon has aspects that are listed about it as well as there are aspects that are not listed like; Type of sights; bullet travel time; delay; recoil.  Sometimes the best way to see if you like a firearm is to take it out in the field and try it out - be careful though - In this game, things can get real dangerous real quick.  The interface takes a little time getting used to - but it isn't too bad once you do.  Each area is like a sandbox game.  You can go explore places and get stuff; it doesn't really matter if you have a quest there or not. 

That said; don't use the Assault Rifle class.  What should be a decent class of firearm is relegated to the worst of all things; crappy magazine size, terrible recoil, shitty damage, slow reload times, and inaccurate.  Actual assault rifles are a valuable asset on the battlefield.  They often use Sniper (7.62mm Nato) ammunition...and are sure as fuck more accurate than ANY SmG and over a greater distance.  There is another problem right there.  The guys you are fighting look like they are playing paintball.  They could probably fire a howitzer one handed while jumping off a balcony and doing a barrel roll.  It's fucking ridiculous.  Some of the guns don't make sense.  One of the design is for a minigun with a breach that is 4x45 degree angles from the rotating barrels. 

Eventually everything just seems to get redundant.  The enemies get predictable.  They manage to ambush you every single time to compensate.  You keep chasing numbers with numbers like a child looking for the base of a rainbow that keeps moving away from him.  Eventually you just say "okay well I guess that's it for me".

Nevermind.  This game is a cartoon.  It doesn't make sense...but so what?  Play it for a while but make sure to stop and give your head a shake.  The logic holes in every aspect of this, even Mathew Costello could fly a hot air (appropriately) balloon through.

The magic time - Between Christmas and New Year.

There is an intangible feeling for this time of year...as I suppose all feelings are but I use the word in more of a metaphorical sense.  We are at peace and also amused (and perhaps bemused) like a harlequinn dancing whimsically between two sides of the same fence.  Our intangible thoughts on a gentle yet consistent simmer.

 

I'm reminded of 'Fomalhaut' by Montxo Algora in Heavy Metal.  December 1979.  I remember the 'Tears in the Rain' speech by Rutger Hauer in Bladerunner.  I remember having hope with Rocket packs, Martians; a brave new world.  Toward the end of a year where we realize on a deeper level that time is just a number.  The only real time is change.  We catch a glimpse of chaos...and it is grinning from ear to ear.  Taking another sip of our mulled wine - the scent of cinnamon in the air.  We are all in this together.  As long as we have life and choice we have a chance.

A Youtube Revelation

I went into the bowels of youtube to see the kind of humor that certain people enjoy.  It was the kind of brutal, violent, shock humour held in high regard by some of most detatched and unempathetic members of society.  I do feel like a bit of a hypocrite though.  I do enjoy a decent episode of Southpark here and there which has been known to have some seriously terrible toilet humor.  If that is all there was then I wouldn't watch it.  Fortunately Southpark is genius.  So I put up with the gore and shock to be rewarded with solid satire, a decent laugh and food for thought.  To me, Toilet humour is detrimental, discouraging and not all that funny.  I guess that's the difference.  So who are the people who watch this stuff exclusively? 

In a nutshell (although does not apply to about 7% of them)?

You know that thing in your drain that catches all the stuff that isn't water?  Over time it just gets nastier and happens to attract other scum that just seems drawn to it until your drain is clogged?

Well that is the 'Toilet Humour' subscriber.

'Psychicpebbles' makes a series of videos aimed at appealing to certain tastes in comedy.  As a young man making high-quality videos, although the content is garbage humour, this is quite a feat.  He is exploiting a tool so as to gain viewers in order to make money.  Why not?  Popularity gained from providing simple things to simple people makes perfect sense.  With a minimal amount of creativity, you can reap massive rewards.  Does it take a comedic genius to make a cartoon showing old women's faces getting ripped off or them being baked alive? 

What it takes is a desire for money and a disturbing lack of empathy.  An audience that appreciates this type of humour has no empathy as well.  I walked in on over a million psychopaths.  That's fucking scary.
 
The idiots in question are the Psychicpebbles fan base.  They are almost like religious zealots in their passion to defend this crap as the best humor on earth.  They will use their words like bullets in order to barrage any detractor and are completely immune to reason.  Actually 'Bullets' is a faulty analogy as in implies swiftness and the ability to strike to the heart of the matter.  Perhaps a more accurate analogy would be lemmings who bash their soft, yet many heads against the stone wall of reason.  As long as there are more lemmings, their brain damaged viewpoint makes them think they are winning.

They do not even see the paradox of  "wouldn't be so funny if it happened to you".  You flame one for an ignorant or threatening comment which shuts him up and 5 more see the flame and figure you are being a jerk.  Eventually you realize that no one is going to listen to your point of view as they have become the Internet version of a 'Gang'.  Individually quite weak, they attack single people with the advantage of numbers.  In the midst of this, I got Psychicpebbles himself to stick his own foot in his mouth...and pointed it out to him and 200 others who applauded both sides of his contradictory statements.  Mission Accomplished.  That was the original viewpoint that got me after him in the first place. 

But if a point falls in a forest of morons...will anyone get it?  They say they don't but who knows?
 
I went back to my usual stuff.  A live rendition of Blind Faith singing 'Can't find my way home' for the first time in Hyde park 1969.  There I found the people I wanted to be with.  No anger. No sarcasm.  No antipathy.  I shed the dealings of the last few days with one saying from that channel:
If it's heavy ... put it down (Thanks Brother).

Painkiller - Black Edition

So for $10 on Steam...you can't go wrong, right?  Well...actually you can. 

I'm a fan of Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw.  He is a Online game critic.  He is good in his own way.  Though extremely opinionated to the point of ridiculing those that would have differing personal preferences.  He does so with a wonderful creative wit, humor and passion.  I enjoy listening to him and watching the animations he puts together.  Yet as much as I enjoy these reviews he puts together, sometimes he is just plain...not objective enough.  Like most young people...he thinks that his point of view is the only one anyone should ever have unless they are stupid.  With a passion and the wit to back it up, it makes you presume that he is right...but that is the point about opinion; it actually comes right down to individual preference.  For instance...Yahtzee did not like the fact that RAGE had both an FPS and Driving elements in one game; I fucking LOVED it!

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation?page=2

First Person Shooters (FPS) range from:

     'Tom Clancy': Where the enemies and you can be put down with one shot.  Reloads happen often with these type of games.  Realistic damage.

To:

   'Serious Sam' Where waves of enemies run at you and you mow them down with a truck load of ordinance and ammo and you take about as much damage to kill as an Abrams M1 with regenertative capabilities. 


Yahtzee despises 'Cover based Shooters'.  He wants his FPS to be a rocket jumping, circle strafing, action packed hop a thon.  Fine for him.  I don't mind it either...some times.  I do prefer the battlefield series...which is more about tactics and strategy and less about hopping and reflexes.  Each to his own.  Of course my 20 something is trying to get me to say:  "Yeah I prefer thinking to just running and jumping like a Fairy.  Maybe you should take up Ballet and forget gaming all together." 

Moving right along.  One of Yahtzee's favorite FPS is Painkiller.  I looked it up on Steam and picked it up for $10.  What the hell.  Driver:San Francisco sucked ass (his recommendation)...maybe Painkiller will be better.

The beginning levels were grey and dull and the AI was unimaginative.  There is no intro or explanation about any of how to play or what anything does for you.  You pretty much have to figure it out on your own.  You kill demons and collect their souls.  With enough souls, you turn into a really nasty demon yourself...if you are lucky, there is someone left to kill at this point.  Hit the tab key you see a summary of the level.  At the bottom there is a condition that, upon fulfilling it, you get a card.  There are 2 types of cards.  Silver cards are active all the time if they occupy the center area.  You can drag and drop them to the center area.  That makes them active.  Gold cards can be used all at once (once per level) in the game if they are in the center area.  Yeah...not tutorial - however rudementary was put in.  You play the game...kill stuff and say 'What are those glowing things'. 
 
It almost seemed like the levels get better and better as you play it.  Almost like the designers were learning as they went along that they didn't have to make shit-brown caves.  So about the 'Train Station' I'm getting to feeling pretty good.  "Not a bad game" I thought.  Decent music.  Enough strategy to keep my mind occupied.  Then...>Crash<.  Oh well...that was an aberation.  I'll restart it and everything will be right as rain.  Ok...got this got that.  No souls captured as per the requirements to get a card this level...I better save >Crash<.  Looked it up online.  Oh!  You can't get past the Train Station on a PC...unless >this<.  Oh...so I do >this<...>Crash<.  Eventually you say to yourself "Do I really want to spend my time fixing this thing or having fun"

Point is:  The game is unstable.  In all the years it has been out, this issue has not been corrected and it probably won't be now.  Don't get me wrong 'People Can Fly' (the company that put this out) did a pretty good job for a couple of guys in some basement in Poland...but it lacks support and polish (groan) that a big name company would provide.

So basically Painkiller IS a decent game.  The music is decent hard rock (I like that).  It's like dancing with guns.  Strategy...you have to think on your feet sometimes...I like that.  The AI is a little predictable and I didn't care for the 'We made a game...use the 'REadme.txt. to know how to play it' (what...is this the '80s?).  The early levels were plain and boring...which is just plain stupid because you want at least >those< levels to be the most exciting so the player gets into the game.  The production smacked of a spaghetti programmer with a limp wristed effort towards the finish like a car washer that happily suds up your car and leaves it that way because he doesn't like rinsing.

It's with much disappointment that I give Painkiller a 2.5/10.  -4 points for being unfinishable.  It would have been a 6.5.  It's worth $10 but nothing more.  Now if I saw more of the game past the Train Station...it might have changed my opinion....