Duke Nukem Forever - Review

(The original Duke Nukem)

That's right folks.  Ranxerox was a creation that was published in Heavy Metal Adult Comics before the creation of the Duke Nukem 1.  This guy had edge and brutality that would make the Duke look like Santa Claus by comparison.  Not so much quantity of villains (like Duke) but more the brutality against even the tiniest of social infractions.   Like say for instance the guy sitting on Duke's throne would have been kicked in the ass so hard that he would have gotten airtime and needed surgery after.

Could the creators have used Ranxerox as a template...or could Duke have been made not that long after it and just happened to have the same formula for a protagonist?  Who knows but really?  Not likely for the latter. 

  

Background

In any event Duke Nukem Forever is here at long last.  I remember 'Duke Nukem 3D' coming out in '96.  It really kicked ass and chewed bubble gum.  That game was created by a passionate crew that had a vision about Duke and had some new technology at the time that was not used by anyone else.  'Technology' would be the stumbling block for the attempt to pursue a sequel.  The small team kept having their incarnation of the project become obsolete before they were halfway close to finishing. Eventually, two heavy hitters came to the aid of the Duke;  2k Games and Gearbox, and DNF got done. 

Up Front

The game starts off very fun.  Duke re-enacts the final battle from DN3D with modern embellishments.  Afterwards, pulling back from a TV screen, you see Duke was actually playing his own game.  I won't spoil what happens but there are a couple of women dressed up like school girls who finish up giving  Duke an oral report sans words.  Duke has his own casino...strip club...burger franchise... you name it.  There is even a 'Duke' musical.  A lot of the farce is still alive and well. 

The parts do not equal the whole

How can you recreate Duke that won't disapoint an audience that either remembers the impact of the old Duke or one that is a new audience that just completely doesn't get it?  Challenging to say the least.  There is heart to this game.  I'm not sorry that I bought it.  It was, however, seemingly done by a committee in it's mechanics.  I will discuss these points:

Super size the duke!  Instead of saying 'power armor is for pussies' A Duke wearing serious armor to boost his strength and protection could make a fun romp and killathon. 

Where's the damn jet pack?  It's not in the single player campaign.  Yeah...we'll throw that away along with the key cards and have these movement puzzles all over the place...you know...add the worst fucking part of Half-life.  Don't get me wrong...I'm all for juxtaposition.   The last thing I would want is to turn Duke into a cacophony of gun fight and non-stop action like 'Call of Duty'.   It's just that if I were to enjoy a little down time, I'd rather be anywhere else than to wade in shit looking for the right size barrels to throw into a hopper.  

Duke is trying to make too many people happy...and ends up making no one happy.  In the old Duke, you could choose your pace.  You could literally get the jet pack in 45 seconds and end the first level in under a minute and a half if you were so inclined...of course you would miss out on all the stuff to see and grab in between.   If you had the jet pack, you could cut corners if you were so inclined.  The beauty of it is that you wanted to see what was around the next corner. 

STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS EVERYONE   The new generation of gamers are picky to say the least.  Do not try to sacrifice fun for realism.  To a point...sure.  But you need to know that level.  It doesn't matter if Duke is carrying around 3 tons worth of weapons and ammo...if the player is enjoying himself...that is all that matters.  Enjoyment is coupled with immersion for gaming.  If you can destroy a boss with a static discharge from rubbing yourself against a carpet...you lost me.   Losing half the weapons available to you because you can only carry 2 mains is way too far the other way.   Someone wasn't really in charge of the full artistic development of the project in regard to the mechanics.  In other words, this was done by committee.  You can't have a pizza with all the toppings and have everyone who likes at least one of the toppings enjoy the entire pizza (all committees do this) rather you should pick the toppings that work well together and reflect the main aspect of the game.  Which leads me to my next point.

Aspect to the game.   What are you trying to do?  Do you want a movement puzzle game like Halflife or a free flowing fly around on the jetpack game?  Well...lets think about this.  IT'S DUKE FFS!!!

Do you want a 'Design combination' 2 weapon slot type game that would keep things interesting in Multiplayer because not everyone can have all weapons...or...Do you want everyone to be able to carry all the weapons and plenty of ammo?  Well you don't start with Prepackaged combinations of weapons (like you would in Team Fortress) and it makes sense.  It's not an army game and there is no sandbox to set up an attack strategy in the single player game.  In 3D you had options.   People liked having options.  You can't plan an attack strategy not knowing what is going to happen next.  You end up picking the 'Safe' weapons and not having as much fun.  I found that one out walking into a fight with a couple of Assault Commanders with a fucking shrink ray (as it turns out, it's hard to squish something under your feet that, even shrunk, is bigger than you and is flying over your head...funny about that). 

Do you want a visually interesting game or do you want a game that is grey, dark and spooky.  I'd say that when you go 'Dark and Spooky' go 'Seriously Dark and Spooky'.  Step the fuck up to the plate.  I don't want any more of this bullshit where I have to constantly switch between night vision and standard vision wondering which one sucks less.  Some games use darkness as a means to enhance intensity.  The plot or intensity of the characters tends to enhance this effect.   Slapping wall tits isn't exactly one of those things that enhances intensity...and I'd rather be slapping wall tits than being all serious and spooky all the time...once again:  IT'S DUKE FFS!!! 

Bubbles in Swimming to catch my breath?  Ok...obviously (and hopefully) sarcasm pointed at any stupid game where you stand on a vent blowing out air bubbles to breath underwater (Sonic the Hedgehog).   Or at least I hope so.  This serves a second purpose in the fact that it guides a player to his destinations. 

What did I like?  The Ego as a shield and being able to build that up.  I loved the strip club in the middle of it.  The fetch quest was completely tongue in cheek.  I liked the fact that Duke kept having fun with pop culture references and satires.  At the end he satired 'Call of Duty Modern Warfare'.   I liked the cheesy one-liners...in moderation.   The enemies were mostly tough and you didn't have to flood the area with them to make it a challenge.  To be honest...I liked the T'nA.  I liked the bling and materialism and the interaction with other people was a step in the right direction as well.

I would normally give this game a  6 out of 10 but the Duke factor takes it to a 7.  Well that and I'm a big fan of satirical humor.

Celebrity Apprentice...ooooo kay

Well quite a surprise today.  I have to say that there is a not-so fine line between paranoid and 'Paranoid Schizophrenic'.  I have to say ahead of my comments that I resent watching mentally disturbed people under turmoil presented as 'Reality Drama'. 

Nene Leakes

I was hard on Nene to start.  I thought she was abusive and heavy handed because she was a natural bully.  The truth is that Nene is quite a beautiful person.  She believes that the battles that she is engaging in are the real deal.  The truth of it is that Nene is obviously a paranoid schizophrenic.  She went off on Star like she was some cartoon villain...right in front of Donald and his entourage.   It was a level delusional in its escalation as well as the inappropriate time and place for such an outburst.  I believe that when Nene sets her mind to doing something, and all is well on an emotional level for her, that she can engage and be a decent member of the team.  When you have to spend more energy managing someone's emotional stability than actually performing the task...it's time for that person to leave.

She didn't leave.  I believe they kept her around for dramatic value...which I feel is on the verge of exploitation and leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth.  Not cool Don.

La Toya is back

In an unprecidented move, Don brought La Toya back.  This time she will be serving the men's team.  
I hope she will do well.  She made peace with Nene in the last episode.   La Toya doesn't care for Star but I think that position is more strategic than actual.

Hope (middle) Star (Right)

Hope was the scapegoat for the team losing.  There isn't a damn thing wrong with Hope except for the fact that if you put her between Bombastic and Bossy...she looks meek.  Hope was the one to keep.  I fully believe that the decision to keep Nene was one to bolster the drama of the show.  I had come to expect a higher level of standards from the Don and Mark Burnett.  If all reality shows are circling the drain toward 'Jerry Springer'dom, count me out.

Star was her classy self.  You could see the preposterousness of the accusations coming out of Nene not resonating with the rest of her team.  Star made the production what it was...despite her wanting to drop it and leave Nene hanging.  Star put her emotions aside and put her best effort forward for the team... a true professional.  Her recommendations were quite astute.  Essentially, when Nene isn't a complete paranoid psycho, she's a good member of the team.  Clearly the choice to kick off was Nene.  Hope is both subtle and capable.

Bin Laden is Toast

All America is cheering for the death of an angry man who masterminded the attack of 911.  It bothers me that the US is in their La La land over the possibility of reprisals.  Are we really that stupid to believe that Osama was some James Bond villain, sitting in his comfy chair stroking a white cat and plotting the downfall of the US?  Osama came from the idea that the US is an evil place with evil people running it.  Yes I use the word 'IS'.  That idea didn't die with Osama.  Why do they feel that way?  People must ask themselves.  Why?   Do you blame the person who hates you, or do you wonder what it is that you have done to give them a reason to hate you?  US...one word; 'Softwood Lumber'.   There are many more reasons around the world.  It's ironic that the US has declared a war on terrorism when they fail to see the terrorists within.

So the US...who's populace must be mostly fucking morons are celebrating tonight.  I'm afraid.  I see an act of aggression escalation.  My brother might be a heavy handed asshole...but he's still my brother.  Not a good plan making an enemy of a culture with a VERY long memory.  A man has died tonight.  On the other side of the world there are those who mourn his passing; who vow to avenge him...as we have avenged the victims of 911.  The US cannot stop terrorism no sooner than it can stop a rainy day.  It's like trying to get someone from hating you by punching them in the face.  If you want to clear the air, you must apologize sincerely, deal fairly, and give it time <-- terms not in the US vocabulary.

The US didn't cut the head off the dragon...it was a hydra...and now it's pissed.

Celebrity Apprentice...La Toya is gone

Well La Toya...you are a better person than I am.   To embrace Nene?  To go for the 'Heal through love' option in your relationship with her?  That takes a grown up person with a refined sense of compassion.
As that happened I saw that Nene was quite a beautiful person, unfortunately wrapped up in some serious trust issues.  You were starting to look pretty hot to me, La Toya.  The group-think put you out the door.  Don't let it get to you. 

Star facilitated a clearing of the air.  Kudos to you Star!  Serious mark of a leader there.  Your group lost the task this time around.  If I could say anything it was due to a lack of input from your team mates, or the reception of that input from you.  Not sure which.  I see serious potential in you.  Fine tuning is all that is required.

Nene Leakes.  You come from a bad place of mistrust and aggressive confrontation.   In your world there is no trust so you must seek to control.   That's not a happy place.   However I was able to peek underneath that and see that there is a beautiful person in that bad place.  I just hope she finds her way out. 

Meat-loaf.  It didn't escape my attention that they have been using the 'Gary Busey' music with you.  There are three people left in your team and the other two are roughly the same age.  One person is going to be out of place.  The men's team messed up large in this assignment.  It was the passion and the delivery of the presentation that saved them.   Seems to me 'Youth' and 'Eye for detal' are mutual exclusives.

Celebrity Apprentice...wow

Once apon a time I enjoyed Apprentice.  When NBC came out with Celebrity Apprentice, I felt it was too much of an *'Ice-cream pizza' for me.  To be honest, I've been experiencing a draught in the quality of engaging TV of late, so I actually gave this reality TV show a try.

Every TV reality show must have a protagonist and an antagonist.  I'm not sure how much of 'reality tv' is an actual reaction and what is fake.  I like to pride myself on knowing the difference but you never know.

To be honest.  This Season's Celebrity Apprentice has one such character that has me shaking my head;

Gary Busey Suffered a serious head injury in 1988.  He is a cancer survivor and had (and possibly has) a problem with drugs (prescription and otherwise).  In many ways this is a beautiful person but he is not really a fit for 'Apprentice' other than to be a monkey wrench in the machine for the men's team.  Him being this wacky, unconventional character kept me coming back for more.  Almost seeing Meatloaf have a nervous breakdown...well that was just not right.  So sorry Gary...back to the reality pool.

There is one person I love to hate:

Nene Leakes

Do I go for the obvious joke?  Nah...too easy.  This woman is Atlanta ghetto trash that dragged herself to another reality TV show because it's better than actually working for a living.  She claims to have a big heart but all I ever see her doing is yelling at La Toya and ducking responsibility.   Founder of The Twisted Hearts foundation that addresses domestic violence for women...except this is a non-profit Limited Liability Company and NOT a charity.  Suspected to be a front for a money laundering racket. 

Out of place

La Toya

Here is a lady with a big heart.  It breaks my heart to say it but she looks like a burn victim with all that bad plastic surgery.  Any good team leader can cash in on the value of La Toya's assets.  She brings certain knowledge and skills to the table.  The problem isn't La Toya...the problem is that she is viewed as a 'Princess' and this image brings with it a level of disrespect.   She led the women's team to victory...the week before last and while they were celebrating,  Leakes (the cross dressing thug who snuck onto the women's team) went verbally postal on La Toya because she didn't do the job as well as she could have done.  La Toya maintained composure under that fat drama queen's onslaught.

Genetically Superior?  I don't know...

Hope Dworaczyk

I think maybe one of La Toya's charities should be used to feed this poor woman.  She's about 20 lbs too light for her most attractive body type.  This drives me nuts about some models.  Skinnier doesn't mean better looking.  For some women it does...sure.  It all depends on your body type.  But never mind that right now. 

Despite being pretty and a model, which carries with it the connotation that there is nothing more, Hope has got an excellent mind.   She seems to be able to lead with grace.  Everyone just seems to listen to her and respect her thoughts and decisions.  This shows leadership ability.   It doesn't seem that she has run afoul of hurricane Nene...yet.  Yesterday she led the women's team to yet another victory over the men.

 I'm out of time...more to come


*A committee designed production characterized by the popularity of the individual components with little regard for the mixture.  

Crystal Harris...do you take this man...

Crystal Harris

Hugh Hefner...you are my hero.  Not for the literal fact that you date and marry supermodels 60 years younger than you.  It's more the fact that you do this despite what many people think about it.  It's legal.  It makes you happy.   What more is there to say?

*Harris attended La Jolla High School and went to San Diego State University, majoring in psychology,[1] where she started modelling. It was during this period that she came to the attention of the Playboy organization.

This is no dumb blonde.
Also mentioned was the fact that Hef is not to be putting a prenup in place for the wedding because "he 'actually cares' about his blonde fiancée".   This will be Hef's 3rd official marriage.  

I can't help but think there may be a redhead lurking beyond the blonde.  Still I think it's not really about that for Hef.  We are all multiple colors in a sea of change.  The ability to perceive and respect beauty in all it's aspects is half of what beauty is...really.  To take who a person is and just love them completely; to be absorbed; engaged in the experience.  What more is there in anything we do? 

God speed old man.  I wish you and Crystal all the best.



*Wikipedia

Forgiveness...

I went back in time on facebook a little while ago. 

3 decades ago:

A little background first:  Lyna; Common Law wife; 2 years living together.  Cathy - Lyna's father's CL; typical overweight home (and busy) body; large on politics and drama... low on brain cells.  My job; Parts driver - Death Trap vehicle previously should have been written off in an accident before I got the job as it couldn't hold the road for shit.

The relationship lasted 2 years.  For the better part of the first year I supported her.  I had to quit my job; another Winter working in that death-trap would have sent me to the hospital or the morgue. If I was going to risk my life like that then it had better pay more than $5 per hour!   I was never happy with the way I quit but it was done.  Lyna had a part time job as a clerk in a painting shop.  I went on Social Assistance so we were earning about the same and barely making ends meet.  My friend, William, was able to get Lyna a second part time job with the company he worked for.  So, then, Lyna was working as full time (essentially), which is what I did before.  Well that was all that Cathy needed to say "SHE'S WORKING 2 JOBS AND YOU AREN'T WORKING AT ALL!?"  Yes; 2x 19 hours = 38.  I was working 40 hours a week supporting her for the first year.  2 months of the lion share of support coming from Lyna and Cathy started using distorted perspective statements like the one above.

I never cheated on Lyna.  There was an incredibly sexy bombshell of a woman named Susan at my work.  She was into me and I was into her.  She had me give her a massage long enough for me to realize that if I didn't stop...and I really just started...that something was going to happen and that it wasn't fair to Lyna.  So I stopped and walked away.  Susan later got another job...and later I heard that she had moved to England.  If I only realized what Lyna would have done to me; fuck...I would have plowed Susan every chance I had.

Lyna decided that she was the sole provider of my sexual experience.  She had a VERY dim view of taking care of it so, naturally I was horny most of the time.  When I realize how much power I had given her...I shudder.  Later I found my own sexual power.  I wasn't going to be anyone's puppet.  I found an inner tenderness from being a father.  I started to appreciate those close to me with a special understanding of their fundamental need to be understood and comforted.  I believe that if I showed that tenderness and consideration to Lyna that she may have not left me but would she have been happy?  Would our goals have been the same?  Would our needs have been compatible?  Would she have still taken the gospel from a trouble making drama queen?

Fucking thing all came down to 'Money' too.  Ridiculous.  I spend a ton of money these days without even thinking about it and I have good credit.

Lyna was a beautiful woman with really bad teeth.  When she got some money from her grand folks to get her teeth fixed...she looked amazing!  I think it was about this time that Cathy had decided that 'She could do better'.

Lyna cheated on me after having Cathy cover for her for the full weekend saying that she was someplace else.  Lyna came back with Hickeys all over her neck that she tried to hide with a high neck sweater.  I knew before that Lyna was getting close to a guy...I figured it was a friend.  After I found out, I was Hyperventilating, crying and shouting.  She actually said: "You know how sensitive I am.  You have to calm down because it's hurting me to see you like this".  Well...I'm sorry for not making your ruining of my life less uncomfortable for you.  The one thing that I wanted to do after the rage hit my hormones was to have sex with Lyna.  It was like making it to the Super Bowl and deciding that you just don't feel like playing.  This would have capped it off.  She didn't want to play.  Apparently her need to have me calm down didn't include her doing anything about it.

Lyna packed all of her stuff into garbage bags and moved out the next day.  I was devastated.  I couldn't sleep for 3 days at a time and would wake up in a cold sweat when I could.  As it was close to the end of the month, I had to pull money from our Joint account to pay for our rent.  She actually called me up to complain about paying for what she believed to be MY rent with what she believed was HER money.

Later, she accused me of 'Getting her fired' from her new job...I was too castrated at that point to tell her that the only person who got her fired was herself and that I didn't have anything to do with it.  As I recall, I sounded as broken and pathetic as I could to get a sympathy boink; well I was 26 and I believed that a final breakup rendezvous would have, at least, calmed me down a bit.

For 3 months I was a complete basket case.  A year and a half later of living with Lyna's ghost and Later...mice.  I would wake up at 5:30 am to go to work and all the mice that were huddled against me for warmth at night would disperse.  Landlord was a greedy bastard.  He kept hiking up the rent even though the heating never worked right, there was mold on the windows, there was ice on the inside sill in Winter time.  The place was a frigging dump!  I did have friends though...it made the difference.

I always thought that I would warm up to the idea of having kids with Lyna.  I believe we would have made beautiful children together.

The way she did it, I wouldn't have done to my worst enemy.  I wasn't sure if I wanted children with Lyna...and she absolutely wanted them.  I, unfortunately, did the three worst things you can do when you break up with someone: #1 keep their private pictures.  #2 Stay in the place where you both lived together.  #3 be active on a BBS (early form of localized newsgroup) where she can ignore you on a regular basis.

I guess #3 was the most insidious.  I had a gaping hole where my intimate relationship used to be. Someone who told me she loved me 20 times a day.  Who was all google eyed and loving then turning around and doing what she did.  The BBS was what I was drawn to because I needed answers; some form of closure.  For her it was a way for her to act superior to me, ignore me and tell me to get a life.  The situation culminated into a perfect storm of my acting out.  I'm embarrassed by the things that I said.  Those things helped fuel the alienation process.  Lyna traded up.  Phil had his own vehicle, he was making payments to RRSP, he had a good, steady job.  If that's the way she thought then maybe I really didn't know her at all.

When I stopped those things, getting over Lyna was easy.  I went on dates and got on with my life.
There was still pain when I thought about it.  What she did and how she did it.  She had to get out; I get that.  It was the right thing for her.  It wasn't her goals, but her methods were akin to Freddy Kruger open heart surgery.

I have to think, even in those horrible times, maybe she still had feelings for me but she had to burn the bridge to keep from changing course.

I never even met Phil.  My brother-in-law, Nico new him...that was it.

Every time I remembered that time was pain.  I was thinking that, maybe after a couple of decades that her and I could be Facebook friends.  Sort of my way of telling her that things were Okay.  I've got a great son and wife.  I just got back from Italy and Greece.  Everything is good.

Apparently Lyna buried me in a pile marked "Shitty stuff from my past" that she doesn't want to acknowledge or even look at.  I suppose that is the thing that reopened this for me.  The idea that all that you were, are and will become is not good enough to even associate with.

When I did some checking around on Facebook and whatnot, I found out that the guy she dumped me for was bald and ugly and they have 3 daughters that look just like him.  They live out in the Valley.  For 20 fucking years I didn't even know what this guy looked like.

I lurk in on her Facebook page from time to time.  Lyna has gained about 100 lbs.  Looks like both of us had finally quit smoking.  She's become a dull overweight housewife from the valley.  Her and Phil have been married all this time.  If I think about her, I think about her fondly.  If I really think about it, I still feel love for her...though we will never be together physically, the memory of who I believed her to be is still running around in my mind; Charming, Smiling and doting over me.  I hate that I feel this way for someone who likely has never really given a shit about me.

Dear Reader; I know this article is very disjointed.  It's actually me just getting my thoughts out as they come up...sometimes more emotional than thoughtful.  Lyna is not her real name.